So, I got up today at 7.00am because I have a lot of arrangements, setting up and online organisation to do for tonight’s Malcolm Hardee Awards Show… only to find that my MacBook Pro laptop would not work and my iPad would not recognise the WiFi in the flat I am renting… it is going to a bad day…
Yesterday was, well, interesting…
Comic/promoter/anarchic force-of-nature Bob Slayer is a nominee for the main Malcolm Hardee Award for Comic Originality… while Kunt and the Gang are up for the Cunning Stunt Award for what has been called ‘Cockgate’ – putting penis stickers promoting Kunt’s show on other shows’ posters.
This extraordinarily effective piece of PR spin was, in fact, orchestrated by his chum and venue manager… Bob Slayer.
So, imagine our surprise to find this posted on Bob Slayer’s website yesterday:
Kunt has sacked me
… and the relevant e-mail from Kunt…
Sorry to have to tell you by email but I don’t want you doing anything else on the cock sticker campaign. As much as I appreciate the other comedians turning out for the photocalls that you organised, I didn’t want to be in the photos and you convinced me against my better judgement that it would be a good idea. I’ve seen the resulting photos and I look more awkward than Jade Goody’s mum on a juggling course. Also I’m getting grief off my bird after you made me put that sticker on Kate Copstick’s jumper and some cunt took that photo which is now doing the rounds that looks like I’m titting her up.
I know you were doing what you thought best but the reason I don’t do any press releases is because I know who my audience is and they find us naturally through the internet or word of mouth. They are proper people like bricklayers, carpet fitters, shop workers, central heating engineers, students and drug dealers. Since you took it upon yourself to ‘help’ with my cock sticker campaign, coverage in po-faced luvvie mags like The Stage has meant the shows have been increasingly full of pompous, middle class, chin-stroking ponces. For fuck’s sake, the poxy Culture Show have even been in!
In the last seven days since you helped ‘mastermind’ the cock campaign I have had more roll-necked twats in cuntish berets sat there with a glass of red wine and laughing ironically than in the previous seven years of gigs. Fuck knows how this has happened because I’d hardly call your act highbrow, I was there the night that bird stuck her finger up your arsehole and pulled it out leaving a rubber glove hanging out your brown eye.
I will buy you a beer when I see you to say thanks for helping us get nominated for the cunning stunt award. But I don’t want you doing anything else. At this rate it’s only a matter of time before Michael fucking MacIntyre turns up covered in cock stickers shouting ‘Where’s the party?’.
P.S. I seriously think you are liable for Daniel Sloss’s agent losing her sense of humour and invoicing us for 900 quid. I told you in confidence that I overheard someone saying that he didn’t have pubes yet, there was no need to go and blog it.
When I first read this, I thought it might be another brilliant piece of spin to keep the ‘Cockgate’ saga spinning even longer but, no, it is apparently kosher.
So the Malcolm Hardee Award judges are obviously going to have an interesting discussion at noon today about the Cunning Stunt Award.
And the two-hour Malcolm Hardee Award Show will be equally interesting tonight, as Kunt and the Gang are booked to perform and Bob Slayer will be there too. 10.00 to midnight in the ballroom of The Counting House as part of the Free Festival.
The show will include cult comedian Charlie Chuck from The Smell of Reeves and Mortimer… Hitler crooner Frank Sanazi… an exotic sand dance from Charmian Hughes… last night’s winner of ITV’s £100,000 Show Me the Funny comedy prize Patrick Monahan… Malcolm Hardee Award nominee Johnny Sorrow… Kunt and the Gang… plus Puppetry of the Penis… and, presenting the Malcolm Hardee Awards, Show Me the Funny’s Cruella de Cowell of judges Kate Copstick. The way things are going, let’s hope the Lothian and Borders Police are not also there…
…but that my WiFi and MacBook Pro are…