Comedian Chris Dangerfield spent over £200,000 in 18 months on having sex with Chinese prostitutes in London

(This piece was also published by India’s We Speak News)

Chris Dangerfield in Soho yesterday, drinking it all in

I met comedian Chris Dangerfield in Soho yesterday morning. He had just had a fight with telecoms company O2. He has a website which sells lock-picking tools.

“Anyone can legally buy lock-picking tools and pick locks to their hearts’ content,” Chris told me. “But O2 seem to think they have it in their power to say only people over 18 can buy them. It isn’t the law and I’ve been on the phone to them for two hours. I now can’t even access my own business website on my own O2 phone.”

“But they haven’t targeted other sites selling lock-picking tools?” I asked.

“No,” Chris laughed. “They’ve only gone for the largest and most respected purveyor of fine lock-picking devices.”

We went for tea in Frith Street. He said there was something he had to tell me.

Cleo Rocos” Chris told me, “has spent the last ten months working with a master brewer or distiller or whatever it is in Mexico or – fuck knows – somewhere in South America or Central America or somewhere and she’s brought out this new range of tequilas. It was my friend’s birthday last night and my friend has been obsessed with her since she used to get her ample assets PVCd up on the Kenny Everett TV shows”

“Obsessed?” I asked.

“Obsessed,” said Chris. “He stalked her. He had a map with crosses on it to triangulate her whereabouts until he found out where she lived. Absolutely true. Yesterday it was his birthday and I’m on some quite heavy back medication which he stole from me. Well, I gave to him, but I said Let’s pretend this is stealing so that, if you do die, I’m in the clear.

“He took that and said Right, Cleo Rocos is doing a promotion for her tequila, so I would love to go up there and I said Look, I don’t drink. I don’t want to get involved in those horrible situations. He said Please! Please! You’ll be my wingman! I said I’m not a wingman. I’m not a straight man. It’s not my role. I will ruin this for you.

“Anyway, we go up there and he’s rubbish because he’s so nervous and he’s sipping his tequila – it’s a shot of tequila – and he asks Cleo What cocktail is this? and she’s like Wha-a-a-a-t? Ridiculous. So she starts talking to me. I charm her so well by accident that she ends up giving me her card. My friend and I leave. He’s crying. He’s my best friend. He hasn’t spoken to me since last night and I don’t even know if he’s still alive after taking my back medication. He walked off crying. So I’m in a very strange mood this morning. I’ve upset my best friend and I’d like to dick Cleo Rocos and it looks like that might happen. So that’s good and bad. My best friend may kill himself, but I might get to have sex with Kenny Everett’s sidekick.”

“Do you think she’ll mind being mentioned in a blog?” I asked.

“I’m charming,” said Chris. “I’m very charming. But I want to tell you about Nick Broomfield.”

“The internationally-acclaimed documentary film maker?” I asked.

“Yes,” said Chris. “Louis Theroux is like Nick Broomfield lite, isn’ he? And there’s a couple of others…. So I read in an Observer article last Sunday that he’s made a film about the Chinese brothels in Central London which I assume will be here in Soho and Chinatown because that’s where they are: there are about 80 round here. He’s got loads of undercover footage so, immediately, my Facebook wall and my Twitter is covered with people saying It looks like you’re going to get some more airtime. The chances are you’re going to be in it.

“My show at the Edinburgh Fringe next year is going to be based on the fact that in around eighteen months I spent in excess of £200,000 on Chinese prostitutes.”

“When did that finish?” I asked.

Chris Dangerfield and one of his tattoos

“Just before I went to Thailand and wrote my Sex Tourist show,” he told me. “It ended around July 2011. So when I read that Nick Broomfield had made a film and he’s got undercover footage of it, I’m amazed if I’m not in it and I can’t wait to be in it. He may well digitize my face, but I’m covered in very distinctive tattoos – they’re all writing, there’s no pictures. So hopefully I will be identifiable and then I will be able to sue him for one penny. I don’t want the money off him, just the suing.”

“What would you sue him for?” I asked.

“Err… err…” said Chris. “I’ll find something. He didn’t get me to sign a release form. He might think no-one would like to draw attention to what they’ve done. I’d love to draw attention to it. I’m an atheist, but I am praying to my atheist god that I am in that documentary – clearly me – because I do some weird shit.

“When they’re out of the room, waiting for me to get undressed, I’m making sure there’s nothing unpleasant in my anal crack, dipping my penis under the tap quickly just in case the prostitute I visited an hour before has left anything unpleasant there. Cos sometimes I was doing three or four Chinese prostitutes a day.”

“What might be in your anal crack?” I asked.

“Well, usually poo,” replied Chris laughing.

“And how did you get £200,000 to throw away?” I asked.

“Ah!” said Chris. “That’s an interesting story. I’m going to give you some key words which I think will keep me free of incarceration. If I were to give you the words… my past importing cocaine and selling crack… and say you could use those words in any order you like to create a picture of how I might have earned that money… Easy come, easy go… I learned Mandarin in Chinese brothels in London. I can hold a very basic conversation in Mandarin.”

“If you learnt the language in brothels,” I said, “isn’t the spread of words you know limited? You can’t really go into a vegetable shop and ask for things.”

“Well,” Chris told me. “I do occasionally go into the Loon Fung on Gerrard Street to buy food and I can certainly ask How much does that cost? and there are certain Chinese terms like Mama foo-foo which means So-so but the literal translation is Horse-horse tiger-tiger.”

“So,” I asked, “you’ve been buying a lot of strange things from the Loon Fung?”

“If you come round my house for a hamburger,” said Chris, “be prepared.”

“But back to Nick Broomfield,” I said.

“I’ve contacted his management,” Chris told me. “I’m guessing, if his film is being released this year, it’s probably been shot in the last two years and, considering I was doing two or three a day or more for that eighteen month period, I’m hoping to hell that I’m in the documentary. Not because people can see my nasty white arse go up and down but just because it makes me laugh a lot. I like the thought of being in it.”

“You did two or three a day for eighteen months,” I said. “Why?”

Chris was flummoxed.

“Why have lots of sex?” he asked, incredulous.

“Why Chinese prostitutes?” I asked.

“I’ve got ‘yellow fever’ – I love Chinese prostitutes; I love Asian prostitutes.”

“Because?”

“That’s a question about taste I could never possibly answer. (Gay comedian) Scott Capurro said to me that having sex with an Asian man was the nearest he’d come to having sex with a woman.”

“But prostitutes?” I asked.

“I’ve blurred the boundaries. I’ve become very good friends with a lot of these women.”

“Because you live in Soho yourself?” I asked.

“Yes,” said Chris. “I have had three lives in Soho. When I was a child, I used to come up here to buy magic tricks. Then I had my mid period when I was selling drugs for ten or fifteen years doing ‘the Dean Street shuffle’ – Gerry’s – French House – Colony Club. And now I’ve lived here about four years, where I’ve been ‘clean’ and just doing stand-up… and,” he added as an afterthought, “laying down.”

“I think it depends on your definition of ‘clean’,” I suggested. “But you encounter all these people socially too, because you live in Soho.”

“Yeah,” said Chris. “I’ve been out to dinner with them.”

“And you are doing an Edinburgh comedy show about Chinese brothels next year?”

“Yes,” said Chris. “I’m going to call it Chinese Wank Shops with the tagline In 18 Months I Spent in Excess of £200,000 on Chinese Prostitutes.”

“Doesn’t the constant subject of prostitutes put women off you?” I asked. “Women are not going to be wildly attracted to a man who puts himself around the brothels of Soho.”

“They love it,” said Chris. “I get fan mail… I get so many comedy groupies… They see my show and then they Facebook or Tweet me: Hello. I saw your show. Would you like to have sex?”

“Your Sex Tourist show at the Edinburgh Fringe a couple of months ago didn’t seem to have only men in the audience,” I observed.

“Well,” said Chris, “Kate Copstick’s excellent review in The Scotsman of my excellent show pointed out the audience was made up of old, young, male and females, singles and couples. All laughing hysterically. I have no wrong or right audience. I’ll make anyone laugh. Mathilda Gregory’s 5-star review of Sex Tourist in FringeGuru said it was an “all-conquering clash of ego and touching vulnerability” and I that had “moustache-twirling charisma”.

“How,” I asked, “do you make knobbing prostitutes for money acceptable to comedy goers?”

“Well,” said Chris after a pause. “It’s not my job to make it acceptable. It’s their moral outlook. They have to critically evaluate the evidence they are presented with and not be idiots. If they want to base their understanding of prostitution on ITV series about police and whores and make massive mistakes, then they should do so.”

***

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12 Comments

Filed under Comedy, Sex

12 responses to “Comedian Chris Dangerfield spent over £200,000 in 18 months on having sex with Chinese prostitutes in London

  1. Mat

    Nothing quite like sloppy one-hundred and seconds on a woman who has probably been gang raped, people smuggled, beaten, pimped and possibly had her passport stolen, to be extorted back from her. Pretty funny really. Especially paid for by crack. ha ha! More people like Chris would improve the universe.

      • anna smith

        The percentage of sex workers on this planet who are raped or “extorted” is being sensationalised. Certainly rapes and extortions are terrible events but the numbers are actually minimal compared to the vast majority who choose this line of business because it offers better hours, more fun and ten times the money than other work. This is especially so in impoverished countries where the other choices are demeaning dangerous domestic labour or equally dangerous mindless repetitive jobs in garment factories….If we really care, we need to focus on erradicating poverty, not prostitution.

      • Mat

        Hi Anna.
        What you say is true – there is evidence that the numbers on globally trafficked women working in the sex trade is exaggerated. But so is the myth you peddle:

        “The percentage of sex workers on this planet who are raped or “extorted” is being sensationalised.”

        I would hazard a guess (And it is just a guess, as are your assertions, without any evidence backing them up) that if you have any experience of the sex trade at all, it is with women working at the higher end of the market. And probably domestic at that.

        Visit any sex worker at the lower end of the business anywhere in the world – the street workers – the women working around mass transport hubs (I’m not including airports here, as they tend to have a much more moneyed clientelle) and speak to the women. Rape of lower end sex workers is commonplace, even mundane. That goes for Italy, Africa, Eastern Europe, Russia, South East Asia, and the UK.

        This: “vast majority who choose this line of business because it offers better hours, more fun” is such a disturbing line I don’t know where to begin, however: “and ten times the money than other work” is inevitably true for any woman that “chooses” to become a prostitute.

        Of course poverty is a massive factor for the women that “choose” to become prostitutes. No doubt there are some women, somewhere in the world who do form educated, informed and lucid decisions to sell themselves. But if you think this represents the majority, or even anything other than a tiny fraction of the total then…

        See, I’ve been to trafficked women’s centres in Eastern Europe. I was in Kosovo just after the war, and met some of the hundreds of women who had managed to make it back home. Devastated, brutalised, eviscerated, emotionally, and I’m afraid, physically. Often from the gang rapes that “Broke” them.

        I’m afraid that if you really think that gangsters don’t operate in the business, that various mafia are not involved, especially in cross border prostitution, then there’s not much I can say that will change your minds.

        to misquote your words:

        ” If we really care… Certainly rapes and extortions are terrible events but the numbers are actually minimal.” How many are OK?

  2. Mat. It appears you’ve confused prostitution with sex slavery. Don’t feel too stupid, you’re not the first.

    • Mat

      Oh Chris, I do. I feel too stupid. Not being the first, or learning from others mistakes. Now you’ve pointed out that no prostitutes are sex slaves I think I’ll just go an boil my head. Makes it better for everyone, right?

      Did you ask them if they were OK before you stuck it in? After you’d come in them, and paid, did you ask if they had to give any of your hard-earned crack-cash to a pimp? Or were you too busy watching them dance, they were so happy with life?

      It appears you’ve confused nihilism with logic. Don’t feel too bad. etc etc.

      • ‘Now you’ve pointed out that no prostitutes are sex slaves ‘ – No I didn’t. Sex slavery is a specific example of a general problem of human exploitation.
        Having been around prostitutes for years, worked with them, socialized with them, been friends with them, lived with them, had love affairs with them, I didn’t need to ask those questions, I already knew the answers.
        I know bricklayers who are unhappy about their job. I know factory workers who have lost limbs earning money. I know many people who have been forced into marriage and others raped in the same situation. These are all other specific examples of a general problem of human exploitation.
        I am dining out with a group of sex-workers tonight to celebrate a birthday. I’ll let them know that you’re doing your bit to save them from the life they have chosen.

  3. Mat

    I think you might have me mistaken for a 16th century puritan.

    But you still didn’t answer any of my questions, which is a bit… weak.

    This might surprise you, but yeah, I also know a few prostitutes in Amsterdam, who are as you describe too, but I don’t extrapolate that out to cover everyone.

    And to be honest, some of them even though they were really lovely, independent and bright women were… how can I put this.. a bit messed up.

    I never said all prostitutes are sex slaves, ’cause, um, that would be daft. I know an ex-dominatrix, whose a lovely lass and did some very odd stuff for cash, because she was into exploring it. She gave it up after a while, because she could. I didn’t need to save her from the life she had chose, because, well, she had chosen it, and had the choice to leave. My girlfriend works with hookers, and spent two years “saving” someone from crack addiction and her pimp. She’s not out of the woods yet, but is actually “happy for the first time in a long time.” So I’ll tell my girlfriend to quit, yeah? ‘Cause we don’t want to come over all do-goody. And we’ll leave her raping, woman beating pimp to do his thing, ’cause that’s cool, and a bit edgy.

    From your lack of answers to my points, I’m just guessing you never screwed an east European lady that you didn’t know for money, or a crack addict, or someone who needed a bit of help. And that before you withdrew your shrivelling post coitus genitalia, you had vetted the Chinese girls you bragged about screwing for crack-money. That would make it better, wouldn’t it?

    Actually, it would. A bit.

    Anyway, have a lovely time tonight with women who are at the far end of the bell curve (geddit?) on prostitution…

    • Mat

      Nice comeback.

      But yeah, surreal. A guy breaks loads of taboos with his nihilistic behaviour, some of which certainly results in misery, some of which possibly does, and then in the service of his ego transforms it into a stage show for what he hopes is further ego massaging. The idea that someone might find fault with this process is met with, frankly, crap putdowns.

      As I said initially, the universe is empirically a better place with you in it. Would that there were more. You are my hero.

  4. Nick Broomfield’s documentary was about Chinese brothels, not the Chinese medical establishments where they offer massage and masturbation. There are hundreds of Chinese women who offer massage and a very limited sexual service. Some offer no sexual service at all, some offer masturbation only, and a few offer more than that. So nobody is forcing them to have sex.

    In the Chinese brothels in Nick Broomfield’s documentary or in journalist Hsiao-Hung Pai’s Guardian article it states quite clearly that Chinese women come to Britain on student visas and outstay them. They do catering work but then some of them find out about sex work and ‘regret not working in the sex trade as soon as I got here’.

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