How not to become a millionaire by creating an original new product

John Ward told me he had had another crap idea

So near and yet so far from becoming a millionaire…

I got an e-mail this morning from mad inventor John Ward.

He has come up with a new idea – the James Bond personalised bog roll holder with incorporated gun rack. He has created it in a hand-carved cherry wood finish with gilt inlay numerals.

Like many of his ideas, there is the twinkle of a marketable commodity here.

I fondly remember his bicycle for window cleaners – the frame of the bike itself became a ladder.

As TV presenter Chris Tarrant once said: “Brilliant, but not quite all there.”

It was not clear if he meant John’s idea or John himself.

Much like writing a daily blog, John Ward has carved out a niche in an area where it is difficult to, in our American cousins’ phrase, ‘monetise the product’.

I am sure there is a market for personalised, hand-carved toilet roll holders, but where you would start to exploit it is another matter. Certainly, with gun included, there must be a market in certain parts of South East London.

As Chris Tarrant implied, John Ward’s ideas are usually brilliant but not yet quite in the Dyson millionaire-making class.

His mobile church font drew some interest from his local vicar… His musical frying pan (hum along while you fry) got some interest… And his bra-warmer received a lot of press attention.

John Ward with the main Malcolm Hardee Award

Marking time until the millions flow in, he designed and built the three annual and increasingly-prestigious Malcolm Hardee Comedy Awards… and he once designed a bullshit-detecting machine for me.

Unfortunately, there was so much of it in the air, the machine could not detect a single specific source.

John Ward still needs that one big breakthrough product or an offer to become prop maker to the stars.

All suggestions gratefully received.

Here is an Australian TV report:


Filed under Comedy, Eccentrics, Humor, Humour, Inventions

2 responses to “How not to become a millionaire by creating an original new product

  1. MR Z

    When anyone looks at John Ward’s website and watches the You tube videos and sees the countries he has visited, programmes he has appeared on and things he has made and done, it never ceases to amaze me and the people I know that he hasnt made it a much more successful career than it has been. It is a huge talent he has but its special making for the uniqueness of what he does.People either ‘get’ it or they dont, as John would admit himself im sure. I for one have an element of sadness that this man never quite made it further to make the one product or invention that would cause world-wide fame and big money. Then knowing John as I do I dont think he would want big money, nor huge fame. He does what he does because he enjoys it and when the fun and enjoyment goes out of it then he will stop, I know. He seems happy with what he has down and achieved and it has indeed been a very busy and fascinating life and career and long may it continue. Well done that man! MR Z

  2. Just to point out I have no designs on ‘being’ a millyionaire as I lack ambition – if I can’t sell it, I ain’t having it! – as such plus as the shock to the system would kill me off. The idea behind the Bog Roll Holder was to have a ‘go’ at the damn awful way the current Bond thing is riddled with product placement and felt i should make a balance, hence the above. To all my fan out there, many thanks – its my critics that keep me going as if I can upsete them, its not all bad news! Best dishes! (Pyrex the best my old Mum used to say) J. Ward (Spinster)

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