This is another day when I barely have time to write a blog.
Fortunately, when I woke up this morning, there were three messages for me.
The Edinburgh Fringe Programme is published today.
So I received a text from comedy performer Leanne McKie. It read:
“Here is the Leanne unofficial Fringe official brochure launch day text, cos I’m not in it…
“My show is from 2nd till 15th August at Suruchi’s on Nicolson Street at 14.45 and it is called This Peggy Twatface Is Toast. It feels like full circle from when I got inspired way back when coming to London and thinking: Well, if this lot can do comedy, so can I. I’ve come a long way from being a fat, drunken, fake-tanned gobshite to being a chic bendy clown :)”
“You have,” I texted back, “admirably not lost that essential you.”
“Just made myself more shaggable,” she replied.
I have requested photographic and video examples of the result.
I also woke up to an overnight e-mail from this blog’s occasional Canadian correspondent Anna Smith. It simply said:
“My little sister, the Anglican priest, has hits the headlines again. I awoke to the sound of her voice, on the radio. The CBC was interviewing her. She sounded buoyant, even though she had not been arrested.”
Anna’s sister is the Reverend Emilie Smith of St. Barnabas Church in the Brow of the Hill neighbourhood of the City of New Westminster, near Vancouver.
The Vancouver Sun reported that unknown people have been dumping trash – rubbish to we Brits – at the church in the middle of the night.
According to Rev Emilie Smith in her interview on CBC Radio One’s The Early Edition: “It breaks my heart that we have this garbage problem.”
She said items people had dumped over the years included a kitchen sink, a 25-year-old fax machine, a car seat (“not the child’s kind, just a seat from a car”), a huge old china cabinet with broken doors and – just last week – six mattresses dumped together.
The church has tried threatening to video record the dumpers and, in the past, one priest tracked down a culprit and returned a bag full of garbage to the culprit’s home.
But now the Rev Emilie has threatened the mystery dumpers with the ultimate threat and has erected a sign which dissociates her church (possibly for legal reasons) from any resultant divine retribution. It reads:
“AHEM!!! ATTENTION. THIS IS HOLY GROUND. DO NOT DROP YOUR CRAP HERE…”
The message is signed GOD and adds:
“MANAGEMENT OF ST BARNABAS’ CHURCH NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR LIGHTENING BOLTS.”
The third message I got this morning was a text on my mobile phone from comedian Matt Roper, sent at 00.25am last night. It read:
“You ought to be here. I am with Bob Slayer. He has given himself his first enema today.”
Usually, as with Leanne – especially with Leanne – I encourage people to send me photos or even videos for this blog.
In this case I have not.
I am also not clear if Bob Slayer, at 00.25am, gave himself his first ever enema… or if it was his first in a planned series today.
There are some details that only God and your urologist should know.