Martin Soan owns an iPhone and has just replaced his old iMac computer with a new one….
So I was sitting in Martin Soan’s living room yesterday afternoon and he was talking to showman Adam Taffler about the line-up for their 2nd February show at Up The Creek in memory of the 10th anniversary of the death of Malcolm Hardee. Tempus fuckit.
Malcolm was never a great fan of technology. But he used to, in effect, manage Martin’s comedy act The Greatest Show on Legs. In those long-gone days, acts could lose bookings if someone phoned and there was no-one there to answer the phone.
We are talking, here, of an era when everyone had land lines and mobile phones had not yet been invented. This is the story Martin Soan told yesterday:
I told Malcolm: “There’s things I’ve heard about like answer machines.”
He said: “What’s that?”
I said: “They answer your phone for you.”.
“Fuck off!” he says in disbelief.
“I said: “No, no, no. It’s true. Let’s just buy you one, Malcolm, then we’ll know when people have called up.”
So we got this answering machine that cost us something like £120 – something ridiculously expensive. It had a tape cassette which Malcolm kept fucking-up.
Years later, Malcolm gets one of the first mobile phones and we go down to the West Country.
I ask him: “What did you get one of them for?”
“Well,” he said, “you got that answering machine. I’m just trying to get more bookings, so I got a mobile phone, didn’t I? Is there a signal yet?”
We are travelling to the West Country in a car.
I tell him: “No there’s no signal.”
And we travel and travel and it’s No signal. No signal. No signal. And I tell him: “These mobile phone things are ridiculous.”
And he says: “Mart, you’ll have one of these one day.”
And I tell him: “Fuck off! It’s useless!”
So we go on and on in the car and it’s No signal… No signal… No signal… and we’re going through all these little villages on the A303 or whatever.
Eventually, we come into this little village and I tell him: “There’s a bit of a signal here, Malcolm, bit of a signal.” And he pulls up the car:
“Give us the phone!” he says. “Give us the phone!”
And he grabs this mobile phone with its huge aerial and he stands in the middle of this little village trying to get a signal on it…
… and he’s standing next to a telephone box.