82-year-old comic Lynn Ruth Miller on S&M and sexual products in the kitchen

Lynn Ruth Miller at home in Brighton

Lynn Ruth: butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth

This week’s Grouchy Club Podcast was supposed to feature British-based American comic Lynn Ruth Miller chatting with me and Scotsman comedy critics and Malcolm Hardee Comedy Awards judges Kate Copstick and Claire Smith at Lynn Ruth’s home in Brighton, but Claire was tied-up elsewhere and Copstick slept through the whole thing in London.

So the podcast ended up as a 24-minute edited version of the five-hour chat Lynn Ruth and I had. 

She told me she was soon going to be starting her own online blog and she showed me some as-yet-unposted ones. We started talking about the subjects she was going to write about in her blog.


LYNN RUTH
Absolutely amazing. This woman in Kent has a dungeon – an S&M dungeon – which is evidently located on the high street and the residents are upset because they think the children are going to get a bad idea when they see these men walking out of there looking nervous. Do you know what they do? I looked it up on the internet.

JOHN
I’m just guessing: probably domination…?

LYNN RUTH
No, no. What they do…

JOHN
…It’s a stab in the dark.

LYNN RUTH
…they’ll chain you to a bed and they’ll whip you – if you ask for it. But they’re very, very definite that No means No – and I thought that was a good thing for children to learn… Did you know that, in the 1940s…

JOHN
I will just do another ‘Help!’ (text message) to Copstick…

LYNN RUTH
…In the 1940s, there was a shortening… Do you know what shortening is in this country? No you don’t. Shortening. It has nothing to do with height. Shortening is a hydrogenated fat that is a substitute for lard and for butter and it’s called, in America, shortening. And the main brands were Spry…

JOHN (singing)
My baby loves shortnin, shortnin…

LYNN RUTH
That’s it! That’s it! And the other brand was Crisco.

JOHN
We have Spry, so maybe we do know what it is in this country.

LYNN RUTH
No, no, that’s not the same thing. That’s not the same thing. Alright, so Crisco was what my mother used to fry potato pancakes and to make potato kugels – potato pudding – and for pie crust. When you used Crisco for pie crust, there was a special method. It was called The Crisco Method and my mother swore by The Crisco Method.

It turns out you can’t get Crisco any more – except in this country, at Nice n Naughty and Good Vibrations.

JOHN
They’re sex shops, are they?

LYNN RUTH
Mmmm. It’s in the same can with the same label. It looks exactly the same as the one my mother used to buy all the time that we always had. It was a staple on our pantry shelf.

JOHN
Your mother had hidden depths…

LYNN RUTH
That’s what I discovered, yeah. Because, evidently, it’s very good for fisting.

(LONG PAUSE)

LYNN RUTH
My mother always swore by The Crisco Method… which explains why my father was always so bent-over… I thought she just cut it into flour.


The 24-minute Grouchy Club Podcast is available HERE, covering more sex, Lynn Ruth’s upcoming London show Get a Grip, thoughts on starting a hamster support group, the UK comedy business, World War II, US TV sets, nostalgia, Italians, the Irish, marriage and the British Royal Family.

1 Comment

Filed under Humor, Humour, Sex

One response to “82-year-old comic Lynn Ruth Miller on S&M and sexual products in the kitchen

  1. Nurse Anna, safe sex educator

    For godsakes if you are going to promote Crisco as lube tell everybody that it degrades (destroys) condoms and other latex products. Coconut oil,salad dressing, most body lotions, sunscreen, baby oil and other petroleum products such as vaseline should also not be used in conjunction with latex (rubber), if you expect an effective barrier for disease and pregnancy prevention. Is that clear ?

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