How do you become a comedy club promoter?
If Tim Rendle is anything to go by, then fuck knows.
He has been a painter, barman and baby sitter, web designer, magician and spy hole fitter. He has sold windows and doors, installed security systems, flipped burgers, busked with a drum and his first ever self-employed job was as a car washer when he was nine.
There is also a bit of controversy, because the Lion’s Den is a pay-to-play club. Acts have to pay to appear on his comedy night and there is no quality control at all.
“So,” I said when I met him, “pay-to-play. Terrible idea. Why do comics have to pay to perform? Why can’t you just make money from punters paying on the door to get in?”
“It’s really hard,” he told me, “to get an audience for open mic nights. We have an open door policy. We don’t require videos or CDs in advance for acts to perform. I’m happy to have first-timers and, as a result, on the circuit now, some of the biggest names did their teeth-grinding at the Lion’s Den and the Comedy Car Crash.”
“You are getting money out of comedians who can’t afford it,” I said.
“If you want to be a swimmer,” Tim replied, “you go to swimming classes. If you want to be a gymnast, you go to gymnast classes. All of them charge more than we do. It’s a spot. It’s a stage to work material out on. It’s not a bad thing. We’re not… what’s the word…”
“Exploiting?” I suggested.
“Yeah, that’s the word,” said Tim. “We are not exploiting anyone. They can get a spot anywhere else if they want.”
I told him: “I saw an act a few weeks ago at the Lion’s Den and I thought he might be slightly… deluded?”
“Yes,” said Tim, “But he has a right to play, same as anyone else. The club is a massive part of my life. I’ve never been so loyal to any thing or person. I’ve been doing it for ten years now, which is a quarter of my life.”
“You were brought up Amish,” I said.
“Yeah. Amish-ish. The Hutterian Brethren, down in Robertsbridge in East Sussex.”
“There is a community of Amish down there?” I asked.
“Yeah. When I was 1½, we moved from Lincoln to this Amish commune where my grandparents lived. My mum was brought up in a different commune in Shropshire. I stayed there until I was five, then came out into the real world, which was an eye-opener.”
“Did the Amish start to your life scar you?”
“No. I think it gave me a really good set of morals. Maybe a bit too unrealistic in the real world.”
“Being too honest?”
“Yeah. It’s just how honest, isn’t it? Knowing when not to be honest. Or knowing when to shut up. It’s the tree that grew inside me, so I do try to be nice and honest.”
“What did you want to be when you were aged 16?”
“I’m not sure. I didn’t have the happiest of family lives. When I was 16, basically, I wanted to get the hell away from home as soon as possible, so I joined the Army. I was accepted by them, but they said I had to do my GCSE exams.
“Then, on the way to sit my second GCSE, I got run over. I was riding my motorbike to school and a car smashed into my leg. That upset the Army. They said: We don’t want you any more. That was a bit sad, because it meant I had to stay around home a bit more.
“Then, a couple of years later, I got run over again. That time, I put my face through a car – the window of a car.”
“Because the driver was an idiot. He signalled left but did a U-turn. I tried to overtake him, he cut me off, so I went through his windscreen. My girlfriend went under the car.”
“She was OK?”
“She bruised her ankle and got a bit of petrol inside her. I ripped my neck open, got 35 stitches plus a few in my chin. I did pass out through lack of blood. That was just the start of it, really. Then the Crohn’s Disease kicked in just after that second crash and I started to think: Why the fuck does God hate me so much?”
“What does Crohn’s Disease do?” I asked.
“Fucks your life,” replied Tim. “Makes you skinny.”
“So you had accidents and disease rather than a career start?” I asked.
“I don’t think I’ve had a career ever. I wasn’t able to think about the future. Every time I did, I got gazumped by Fate at the last minute.
“We had moved down to Hastings when I was 5 and, when I was about 20, I was being hassled by my mum to get a job. I was getting so much nagging by my mum to get a job and I saw an ad to be a stripogram and my mum said Go on, then! so I did.
“It was the weirdest job interview I’ve ever had – having to take my clothes off and bend over in front of people who then told me: You’re gonna have to shave your arse. Women don’t like it and there are times when you need to bend over.”
“Can you make a good living as a stripogram around Hastings?” I asked.
“At the time – 1994-ish – yeah. £11 per minute.”
“An anecdote?” I asked.
“Loads. I was getting ready in a police station and they had sectioned off a toilet just for me to get ready.”
“This,” I asked, “was to pull a surprise on a police lady?”
“Yeah. I was actually technically sexually assaulted by that woman in front of about 150 police people.”
“Any tricks of the trade?” I asked.
“Basically,” explained Tim, “when male strippers warm up, they have to… eh… punish… erm…”
“Fluff?” I suggested.
“Yeah. Fluff. But, with my bad back from the car crashes, there was no way I’m going to bend down there. So I just had to punish it a bit.”
“A bit of slap and tickle?” I suggested.
“Yeah. More slap than tickle. And then you get an elastic band and you tie it off. Halfway through doing it in the police station toilet, a policeman opened the door. It was a weird situation with me halfway through slapping myself into position. He asked: Are you going to be long? I told him: I am trying, sir; I’m trying.”
“What’s the elastic band thing?” I asked.
“You tie yourself off,” explained Tim. “Once you have achieved a good… eh… state of being, you tie it off to preserve that state of being.”
“Keeping the blood in…” I said.
“Yeah,” said Tim. “It just makes it took great inside a g-string or banged against a tea towel.”
“But you gave all that glamour up,” I said, “for what?”
“Many years later, I moved to Colchester and did a full-time 2-year engineering course. I wanted to take that further and do industrial design.”
“You were still interested in erections?” I asked.
“No. I wanted to be an inventor, basically, because that’s the way my mind works. I’ve got an engineering mind, but I find engineering very boring – working out how much force a bridge can take is really boring. I wanted to make things and make the world a better place. I did the degree and found out they are just painting the wheel a different colour.
“But, while I was doing the degree, a friend I was staying with suggested I try his job out and that’s when I started working with people who have learning disabilities and in mental health. I became a support assistant.”
“I couldn’t do that,” I said. “Too depressing.”
“No,” Tim said, “not at all. It was one of the best jobs I ever did. I found the learning disabilities not particularly challenging. I tended to veer more towards the challenging behaviour and that led to the mental health work.”
“What do you mean by ‘challenging behaviour’?” I asked.
“Getting beaten up, basically. They were quite angry and violent people. A lot of the job was pacifying behaviour and basically being a target.”
“Trying to avoid them beating you up?”
“Yeah. Which I was pretty good at.”
“Because you are good at psychology?”
“Good at psychology and because I used to do kick boxing. There was nothing that I had not had worse.”
“So,” I said, “you are the ideal comedy promoter. You deal with mad people and can kick them.”
“I’ve had a few hairy situations. We have only ever had two violent incidents in ten years at the Lion’s Den.
“I once walked into a situation where six people were trying to pull an act off an audience member who he was beating the crap out of. They couldn’t get him off. I walked up and just managed to put my hand across his face and pull him backwards, which separated them instantly.”
“What was the problem with the act?”
“It was an act just assassinating every woman in the audience – being really horrible. Nasty. It wasn’t comedy.”
“And is the act still around?”
“I’ve not seen him since and I think he’s lucky, because the police were after him.”
Tim Rendle has had an interesting life, which continues.
There is a video on YouTube of Darius Davies introducing a performance by Sweet Steve at the Lion’s Den.