I like the English language. Even – or perhaps especially – when it approaches the abstract.
Yesterday, there was a message meandering around Facebook which people were re-posting and which said:
If you’re reading this, even if we barely talk, comment with a memory you have of us. After you’re done, post this on your wall. You’d be surprised with what people remember about you.
It seemed fairly pointless, so I posted a version which said:
If you’re reading this, especially if we have never met, comment with a completely fictional memory you have of us. You will be visited by angels and small woodland creatures wearing corduroy culottes.
Below is the result: a series of unconnected, often surreal, almost abstract thoughts which I find strangely comforting and mesmerising.
I have partially anonymised the respondents, all of whom are highly admirable people. A few of them I have actually met, but they have not let that get in the way of their literally fantastic free-flowing thoughts…
MIKE: We met when I caught you giving my unicorn a hand job. Things went steadily downhill from there.
PAUL: Fight Club.
DARREN: You looked better dressed as Mary Poppins than I did as Batman.
ALEX: You used to steal my tuck shop money at school. You also taught me Geography.
ANIL: Remember when we got really pissed and killed that copper?
KEARA: I am so happy about that time I never slept with you. I will treasure that moment forever. Thanks for the memory.
ROBERT: Do you remember that time we got stuck on the train outside Bognor Regis? They wouldn’t open the doors until the engineer came and everyone sat around singing Abba songs. I think your dancing went a bit far, mind you.
ALI: We had booked you for the wedding reception but you were not what was expected. Tracey thought it was Bob Fleming from The Fast Show. We are indeed divorced just as you predicted.
STEPHEN: Imagine my surprise, when but a small orphaned boy in Calcutta, your family would take me in and bring me up as one of their own. I didn’t mind sleeping in the wardrobe and was an honour to polish your shoes. I even came to enjoy the beatings. The handcuffs didn’t chafe much at all.
PETER: I lent you £7,075. Are you ready to pay it back yet?
ANDREW: Our eyes met… what the rest of me was doing I don’t recall.
KERRY: I was the getaway driver when you and Jeremy Paxman robbed that Kardashian bint. I was dressed as a badger and you wore black… Ah yes, I remember it well.
LINDA: Auditioning for Girls Aloud. You joined the Spice Girls. I joined Take That.
RODERICK: Meeting you in person.
DOIREANN: I was an unwitting and rather stupid rodent stuck down a well and you fished me out and gave me some food. I briefly acknowledged your help then ran away and continued my stupid rodent life. Sorry about that. I developed a sense of remorse, uncharacteristic of rodents, so that may be my comeuppance!
STEFANIA: I still have your corduroy culottes….
MARTIN: It wasn’t my only homosexual experience, but it was my last.
ALEXIS: Why don’t we see culottes anymore?
JONNY: We had a Star Wars themed wedding, I was the butch, you were the bitch and Mr and Mrs John Fleming lived happily ever after in a galaxy far far away.
TRIONA: I remember the teeth.
KATE: Don’t beat me again with your meatstick, daddy!! Sorry, just had a bit of a flashback there…
A.J.: It was the best of times; it was the worst of times; we were fighting a battle for good against evil. On the Sega Mega Drive in 1992.
IAN: …and then you brought out the handcuffs and I said: “Unless you’re a cop you can forget it.”
ALIAS: Remember that time in the late nineties when we were testing out those prototype virtual reality goggles and we got trapped inside the elk hunting simulation after the computer became self aware? Good times.
ANDY: As my slightly older alter ego YOU need to post the fiction stuff as you only exist as my plausible deniability.
ROSIE: When Barbra Streisand didn’t know when to go home.
KENNY: I did actually meet you once, but you were too busy filling Les Dennis’ trousers with Marmite in the lobby of Yorkshire Television.
JANE: Crikey, I remember that time in Goa when we trod on a snoozing python… but it didn’t seem to mind it was so doped, thankfully.
EVELYN: So glad you told me there was loo roll flowing from my skirt tail. Complete gentleman. Thank you.
SIMON: You went all improv. We had to leave the scenes on the cutting room floor. Shame, as I thought that your SpiderBat look was something the audience of today would want to see.
COLIN: ‘Nam ’67.
JEZEBEL: We’ll always have Paris. One day, we may be forced to take it back.
JAMES: You were an extremely tender lover and taught me so much. I’d certainly never considered doing THAT with THOSE before.
KEV: I was the one who nudged your petri dish and helped you discover penicillin.
HENRIK: It was in an earlier life. You were one of Napoleon’s generals, I was a bumblebee who just happened to fly by.
GEOFF: There was that time in Bogota when some local dropped mescaline into our drinks and we lost a weekend in dreams.
DONNA: Now I just want a cute woodland creature!
JACKIE: I taught you the meaning of the word respect, then I barked like a dog…
ALASTAIR: We were both competing at the Annual Cherry Pit-Spitting Championships. There was a lot of phlegm flying about!! (I give Ariane Sherine some credit for that – not the flying phlegm, I mean me getting this idea – I remember her calling you John Phlegming in one of her Adventures Of A Stand-up Comic.)
ZHURONG: I only added you because I thought you wrote James Bond.
NOEL: That time we used to run guns for the Zapatistas into Chiapas. Crazy times!
ZUMA: That time you gave birth to a creepy baby and said: “It’s not mine”. Hah so funny!