Mad inventor and Malcolm Hardee Comedy Award designer John Ward had a hip replacement in 1998, a knee replacement in 2002 and his other hip was replaced in 2007.
He now needs his second knee replaced.
John appears to be re-constructing himself but remains unreconstructed.
“When my first hip was replaced,” he told me, “I encountered a Chinese doctor in the early assessment stages and it seems somebody at my local clinic, who ‘knew’ me, had put a note on my folder that I had appeared on ITV’s Game For a Laugh a few years before and so, when the doctor spotted this, he suddenly shouted out: ‘Haaaa! – You breen on Game for a Raft!!!!!!!!’…
“This was the nautical version, I am given to believe.”
John was supposed to have his new knee replacement two Tuesdays ago (12th May). But it never happened.
This is what he told me in emails:
TUESDAY 11th May – 1316 hrs
I went for me tests last week, had a chat with the nurse and the physio at Grantham Hospital and had ‘final’ swab tests this past Sunday morning (9th May) at Boston’s Pilgrim Hospital and then, if the tests are all OK, the operation is tomorrow (12th May), reporting for duty at 7.00am.
From what I can gather, the op will be in the afternoon or thereabouts, possibly late morning as it’s a sort of ‘conveyor belt’ routine by the sounds of it. ‘In theory’, I should be back in the ward late afternoon to early evening.
From conversations with the nurse and the physio, I will stay in hospital for a couple of days ‘in theory’ then, unless ‘anything’ happens (infections etc). I should be out possibly Friday or Saturday – with Sunday at the latest – but we shall see!
TUESDAY 11th May – later that same day – 1814 hrs
The op is not going to happen tomorrow, as I have just had a call from the hospital to say the surgeon has been called to deal with a ‘high trauma’ case. I got the impression it’s a road traffic accident.
So now the op is going to happen – all being well – this coming Sunday, 16th May.
…unless, of course, another nut-job gets into a traffic accident…
Yours, a slightly pissed-off patient.
SUNDAY 16th May
Panic over, as I am back home 😦
I was in the ward, just getting ready to go on the trolley down to the operating theatre, when they noticed a small cut/wound on my leg – This reads as ‘an infection’ in their book so they cancelled the op…
I will go back (hopefully…) in the next 3-4 weeks for the op as the cut/wound will be healed up by then.
I must admit it’s not much of a cut/wound but, with this bloody coronavirus, they are not taking ANY chances.
Going back to bed now as I have been up since half four this morning and it’s been a bit stressful, moreso the waiting for a lift back.
They did get a taxi for me, so full marks there.
MONDAY 17th May
The small wound/cut happened when I was out shopping… Some dozy arsehole banged me leg with a shopping trolley outside Sainsbury’s.
Had my op gone to plan last Wednesday (12th May), I would not have suffered this ‘injury’ although who will play me when they do the film I can’t even think about at this moment in time.
Yesterday, the surgeon was sympathetic. He explained he would not operate as the risk was too high, more so with the virus adding into it all. He seemed more upset then me to be honest.
He said I was not the first or the last and this does happen quite often.
This didn’t really fill me with joy.
He asked if I had suffered other, similar events. I told him no, not that I could recall. But my biggest failure – or regret – was not ‘coming out’ as a lesbian years ago as I missed out on having my own series on Channel 4 and my own range of cosmetics.
Judging by his response I think I have a new fan.
I asked John if he was a good patient.
“Interestingly,” he told me, “I seem to be on ‘first name’ terms with all the surgeons/consultants I have encountered so far, while fellow patients address them as Mister.”