When I was at college, one exercise we did was to record a normal conversation, then transcribe it exactly, word-for-word. When you do that, you realise the chaos of conversations. No sentences. Thoughts and sentences bounce around randomly, half-finished and intermingled. That interests me.
In my online blogs, I tend to ‘clean-up’ what is quoted, so it reads – I hope – more smoothly. And I cut for length. But below is a full and exact, un-cut transcription of a conversation I had at the weekend.
I was in Manchester on Sunday, at Amanda Fleming’s horror short film festival.
On Sunday night, I was sitting in Manchester’s Piccadilly station and was approached by a man asking for money. I almost never give money to beggars because I am always dubious what they will spend it on.
But I had just bought a pack of two tiramisus from a nearby Sainsbury’s Local. So I gave him one and we ate them together on the bench.
He told me he had decided to live on the streets for a day to see what being homeless was like. He told me his very small daughter had died a few months ago. And (although this was Sunday) he had left home on Friday to see for a day what being homeless was like.
I obviously never necessarily believe what I am told by people asking for money. So I cannot guarantee anything he told me is true.
But I switched on my iPhone during the conversation. Obviously, a vast invasion of his privacy. I will no doubt rot in hell. But I have obscured any details which could identify the man who may or may not be who he said he was. I have called him David. That is not the name he gave me. Everything else he said is quoted exactly.
BEWARE: This is quite long but, with luck, progresses interestingly!
JOHN: When did you leave home? Friday?
DAVID: We’ve really been depressed. All the family’s been depressed because of the loss. Me wife said: “You need a night out with your friends.” So every weekend she’s dressing me up well: “You’ll look nice tonight.”
Anyway, I got wrong train. I got there 15 minutes. They were only 15 minutes behind me. So… But they were on the next train. They were only 15 minutes.
JOHN: You decided you wanted to be a homeless man for a day?
DAVID: Yeah. I want to go home now. I want your advice on how to get to (ANOTHER NORTHERN CITY) from here. Can you tell me how to get to (ANOTHER NORTHERN CITY) or (ANOTHER NORTHERN CITY) or…
JOHN: Best to phone your wife. I’m only up here for the day. Why did you want to be homeless for a day? Are you a sociology professor or something?
DAVID: I just wanted to see what they went through and I couldn’t do it. I could not do it. I am here, going home now.
JOHN: You started on Friday? Or this morning?
DAVID: Friday, I got the fuck beat out of me before my friends got there. I smoked.
JOHN: What? Weed?
DAVID: No. I train (PUBLIC SERVICE WORKERS) believe it or not. I train them how to be safe when (THEY DO THEIR JOB), hopefully. And they call me a chicken coward, because I’m the one that can’t do it, so I teach it. There’s a slightly higher grade that I am on, but we don’t live very well.
JOHN: So you’re a (PUBLIC SERVICE) person.
DAVID: I’m a (PUBLIC SERVICE WORKER) trainer, I would say. Trainer, supervisor, yeah, yeah. I do training courses: gotta pass it. I’ve got a company. A few people work for me as well.
JOHN: So you decided you wanted to be homeless…
DAVID: I’m coming out of the hospital. I’m in Manchester. I discharged meself cos I’m pissed-off and I didn’t want to be near anyone. I’m not staying in that bed no longer. I’m not doing this. But there was a man and I said: “Could I have half of your cigarette?”
And he said: “No.”
I said: “I’m not without money. I would give you a pound.”
(AT THIS POINT, A HOMELESS MAN CAME UP TO US)
HOMELESS MAN: “I’m sorry for asking…Can you spare a…”
JOHN: I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
DAVID: Ay. Ay-up, ay-up, ay-up. I’ve just been like this all day.
(THE HOMELESS MAN WALKED AWAY)
I’ve got five people in me family. Well, four people in my family now. Because of me wages… Because of me dad’s business, me dad says: “You’ll never ever, ever, ever raise £60,000.”
I said: “If you’d sell it me for 60,000… 60,000?”
He says: “60,000? It’s worth ten times that,” he says. “If you ever raise £60,000 on yer own” he’ll sell a share of it to us. Anyway, I bought an ice cream van. I bought an ice cream van… Tell me when you’re bored.”
JOHN: No,no. You’re keeping me warm inside the station. This is good.
DAVID: It were very very hard with the ice cream van, as I found out and I had to go begging back to me dad, saying: “It’s winter time. I’m going out and I’m taking £15 and using £10 diesel, I’m using £3 stock; I’m making £2, £3, £4 a day, dad. Please bail me out.
He said: “I told you this. I told you that.” Blah blah blah.
JOHN: I’ve always wondered what ice cream van men do in the winter.
DAVID: What they do in the winter is what I didn’t know. They save a lot of fucking money through the summer.
JOHN: Anyway… Back in the day and being homeless…
DAVID: Yeah. I tried it. What time is it now?
JOHN: When’s your train?
DAVID: I’ve no idea. I haven’t even booked to get. What time is it? Is it half past? It might not come.
JOHN: Almost half past ten. Where are you going to? (ANOTHER NORTHERN CITY)? There’s one at 10.47.
DAVID: Where? Where to? Where to?
JOHN: To (ANOTHER NORTHERN CITY). Platform 1. 10.47. That’s in 20 minutes time.
DAVID: How do I get to get from (ANOTHER NORTHERN CITY) then to get to (ANOTHER NORTHERN CITY) or (ANOTHER NORTHERN CITY)?
JOHN: I have no idea. God knows.
DAVID: Is there one for (ANOTHER NORTHERN CITY) or is there owt?
JOHN: No. There’s just Crewe, Leeds, Buxton, Chester… and Blackpool, for some reason. If you can get to (ANOTHER NORTHERN CITY), you can get your wife to collect you.
DAVID: Yeah. You’re right. You’re right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But I haven’t got a penny to ring.
JOHN: (LAUGHS) Was this a very long-winded Can I have some money for the telephone routine?
DAVID: No. I’m sorry, mate. No. I will not accept. Please do not do that. Do not do that. No. I didn’t mean it like that. There’s free phones. There’s free phones. I didn’t believe it. I dialled my dad on his mobile. I dialled him on his landline. I dialled me wife. Are there any of me kids there I can talk to? I broke down in tears. I said: “Daddy’s staying out here another night if he possibly can… just to see what it’s like to be homeless. I’ll be home tomorrow”.
I don’t think I need any money to get a ticket. Are people still working in that little hole?
JOHN: The information booth? Looks like it.
DAVID: What time’s that train to (ANOTHER NORTHERN CITY)?
JOHN: 10.47 – 17 minutes time.
DAVID: Something happened and I went absolutely berserk and I absolutely lost the plot completely, tried a few drugs, really dangerous stuff.
JOHN: Today? Or after the ice cream van?
DAVID: No. (LAUGHS) After the death of me daughter.
JOHN: Oh, yes. Sorry.
DAVID: You’re not following this right, are you… We’ll get there. We’ve a long time, haven’t we?… No, it were me daughter. At least I could laugh then. It were the first time I could actually laugh and say: “No, me daughter; not the ice cream man.” That’s first time I’ve laughed and said her name. Me daughter.
JOHN: That might be the last train to (ANOTHER NORTHERN CITY). There isn’t another one on the board. You’ve got 17 minutes. That might be the last one.
DAVID: What, now?
JOHN: In 16 minutes.
DAVID: I’m gonna go there first (the information booth) and see if there’s one gonna take me to (ANOTHER NORTHERN CITY). That there (the tiramisu) were absolutely beautiful and I’ve had absolutely nowt to eat all day. I got a slice of pizza.
Some dear said: “I haven’t got any money for you, sweetheart, but, if you want something to eat, you can have something.”
It’s fucking dangerous out there; it’s shit; I’ve never seen anything like it. That spice – just with phtum phtum-phtum. You can see in street with… we buy each other… and there’s police there and… It’s in front of them. They can’t do anything about it. There’s nothing about it.
JOHN: Is spice the big thing now?
DAVID: Not where I live. I’ve never noticed it. That’s why I… “Can I have a drag of your ciggie?” and he said: “No!” – Because he paid for it, obviously. A lot of money. £5. I says: “I’ll give you a pound for a drag.” He says: “Yes. But only two drags or three drags. Do you want three drags?”
I thought: He’ll charge me £1 for two or three drags? A roll-up, not a cig. A fuckin’ roll-up. But I got nowt. So I took it.
I had two drags and I started having third drag and I started feeling funny. So I were walking about, didn’t really know where I was, very disorientated. Couldn’t find train station, bus station, nothing, slept where I thought I oughta sleep, got absolutely annihilated – me wallet has got money in, me phone, me credit cards got took off me; it’s cost me nearly £700 so far.
It’s not too bad. I’ll get most of it back on insurance. I’ve got quite a good job. I’m not rich. I am not rich. But I have a good job as you can imagine – who trains the (PUBLIC SERVICE WORKERS).
JOHN: Is the drug problem in Manchester now spice not smack?
DAVID: No, it’s not smack. No, no. It’s… No, no. Spice. Spice. But I got…
JOHN: What effect does spice have? Is it like cocaine? Kapow!!
DAVID: Have you had cocaine?
DAVID: No. So you don’t know. Cocaine goes be-weugh! But, no, I’m fairly good be-weugh, but that first one we was talking about, the… the… eh… the heroin. That’s BANG! That goes straight in. But no, the one that you said…
JOHN: Spice or cocaine?
DAVID: That is the most subtle one. That is the one you will have a sniff of and not know what it’s done to you, whatsoever, cos it’s so subtle, yeah?
JOHN: I think coke is really dangerous.
DAVID: It’s not very dangerous. I’ve sniffed thousands of…
(A MAN COMES UP AND ASKS US FOR MONEY)
DAVID (TO BEGGAR): Mate, I’m the same as you.
BEGGAR: I know you, man.
DAVID: I know you as well. I’m the same as you do. I’m just trying to get ten bob out of him (POINTING AT ME) me’sen. I’ve got another 13/14 minutes yet.
(THE MAN WALKS AWAY)
I hope them things (information booths) are open. If, for any reason, I can’t, can you lend me some money for phone? You can come with me to see that I phone me wife to pick me up.
JOHN: I’m past caring. Here, you can have £2. It’s a story. It’s a story. It’s a good story.
DAVID: Can you put my details in your phone so I can give you the £2 back for being so kind to me.
JOHN: How about £60,000? If you ARE going to make a phone call – I don’t think you are – you’ve got 11 minutes to the train leaving.
DAVID: How far is it to the fucking thing?
JOHN: I don’t know. Platform 1.
DAVID: Platform 1. Do you buy your ticket and then get on the train and they come and inspect it?
JOHN: I guess so. Platform 1.
DAVID: Platform 1?
(A YOUNG WOMAN IN HER 20s APPROACHES US)
YOUNG WOMAN: Guys, I’m really sorry to ask, but is there any chance you can spare a little bit of change for…?
DAVID: Darling, I’m in the same position as you.
YOUNG WOMAN: Are ya?
DAVID: This is me dad. He’s just come out to give me some money.
YOUNG WOMAN: Alright. No worries.
DAVID: I’m sorry, sweetheart.
YOUNG WOMAN: I’m shitting it. I’m just trying to get home.
DAVID: I’m the same. Me dad’s good to me. He feeds me chocolate.
YOUNG WOMAN: At least you’ve got a dad.
DAVID: I wish I’d got a mum and I wish I’d got a baby. They both died.
LOUDSPEAKER ANNOUNCEMENT: The train approaching Platform 1 is the…