A couple of days ago, an ex-girlfriend asked me:
“Have you ever tasted your own sperm?”
“Errr…” I replied. “… No.”
“Why not?” she asked.
“Errr… I”m not really interested.”
“That’s weird,” she said.
“If I have a baby,” she persisted, “I would want to drink some of my own breast milk just to know what it tastes like.”
“It’s not quite the same,” I suggested.
“Yes it is,” she insisted. “Have you never wondered what it tastes like?”
“Breast milk, yes. My own sperm, no. Slightly salty, I think… I’ve read that somewhere. I’ve never asked anyone. It might seem indelicate. In Beyond The Valley of The Dolls, I think someone says something like Prepare to taste the black sperm of my vengeance!. I think it’s a threat.”
“You’ve expected women to put it in their mouth. Have you no interest in knowing what it tastes like?”
“That might have been a line in it, too,” I said.
“Be serious,” she said.
“Errr… No. I’ve got no interest at all in sucking cock. Nothing I can do about that. It’s not in the genes. I can’t do anything about it. I have no interest in eating my own shit either. People have fed me shit in the past – I’ve worked for the BBC. But I don’t want to eat real shit. Call me conservative.”
“Eating your own shit is completely different,” she said. “It’s medically unhealthy.”
“Well, then,” I said, “drinking your own urine. That’s not unhealthy. People say it’s positively healthy. People do drink their own urine. It’s just not for me. Sarah Miles the actress does it. And some bloke called Desai who was the Prime Minister of India. I think Mahatma Gandhi may have drunk his own urine. But I’ve got no interest in drinking my own urine or my own sperm. Trust me on this one.”
“But you expect other people to do it,” she said.
“I’ve never pissed in anyone’s mouth in my life,” I said, “It’s not my thing. Some people get off on it, though. Maybe we should start bottling pee. There’s obviously a proven demand for it: actresses and politicians. And then there’s probably a big un-tapped market in some parts of Soho. There might be a big demand for sperm drinks in the gay community. I think I’ve read sperm is full of goodness. We could have discovered a gap in the market here. Bottled sperm and bottled pee. We could sell them both in health shops as a food supplement.”
She stopped and thought about this for a moment.
We are still in discussions.
In the current recession, Prime Minister David Cameron says he wants to encourage enterprise and small businesses as part of his Big Society. We think we may be able to get some government seed money. Or we might try to submit it as an idea on Dragons’ Den.
All we have to do is think of a catchy brand name… and iced lollies are not out of the question.