Coprophilia: Kate Copstick in Kenya

Copstick with Jägermeister and cake last night

Last night was the first in a series of Grouchy Club events live in London.

I say ‘events’ because they are not really shows and not really meetings. They are chat shows in which the audience chat with comedy critic Kate Copstick and me about anything that comes into any of our heads.

The subject(s) is/are vaguely supposed to be about the comedy business, but the conversations can meander. Copstick and I have run the Grouchy Club at the Edinburgh Fringe for the last two years.

Italian comedian Giacinto Palmieri was there in London last night and, this morning, commented on Facebook:

“The Grouchy Club in London is even more shambolic than it was in Edinburgh… particularly the post-shamble shamble… I loved it.”

Arlene Greenhouse commented: “I had such a good, unadulterated, solid five minute walrus laughing session. I needed that. Thank you to the porn caster and eye roller. You know who you are!”

The post shamble shamble (L-R) Andrea Gordon, Luca Cupani, Giacinto Palmieri and Kate Copstick

There is a 12-minute audio extract from the two hour event/show/meeting online which includes a typically shambolic discussion about successful middle-class white comedians, Michael McIntyre, Mrs Brown’s Boys, Jimmy Logan, Italian comedy and Christopher Biggins.

Luca Cupani performed

The extract features the voices of Kate Copstick, Andrea Gordon, me, Arlene Greenhouse, Jo Palermo, Neil O’Rourke, Luca Cupani and Giacinto Palmieri.

Last night also included performances by 2015 So You Think You’re Funny? winner Luca Cupani and finalist Neil O’Rourke.

At the start of last night’s Grouchy Club, the subject of kittens’ bollocks was brought up – as mentioned in last Sunday’s blog.

Copstick explained more of the reality of her life in Kenya to the audience of Canadian/English/Irish/Italian/Scottish performers, which included Grouchy Club newcomer, actress Andrea Gordon.

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COPSTICK
Living in my hovel…

JOHN
…in Nairobi

COPSTICK
…with hot and cold running rats, no toilet, the only good thing… Well, one of the only good things about using a bucket to shit in is that I just had explosive trots for about two of the weeks I was there. And, when I got back to Britain, there was the absolute joy of having a fart with no follow-through. Ooooh! My God! I was terrified to fart for two of the three weeks I was there.

I don’t know how many of you have experience of having really explosive trots, but y’know normally, when you’re pooing – generally speaking – when one thinks of pooing, one thinks of a… I was going to say… a downward motion.

Well, you think of a downward motion. But with the terrible trots, I don’t know if it’s just my arse but, especially when you’re sitting down, the pan contains it. But when you’re in a long-drop toilet and half standing-up, it’s everywhere. It’s unbelievable. It’s not even near where it’s supposed to go. It’s right up the back, on the sides, it’s down my legs, it’s absolutely everywhere. One of the good things about using a bucket to shit and pee into is that, once again, the horror of it all is contained within the plastic.

ANDREA
I’m just waiting to hear how this shit relates to the cat’s testicles.

JOHN
She needed to wipe her bottom, so she found a kitten.

COPSTICK
No. Apart from the termites, the hot and cold running rats, the people shooting immediately outside my door…

JOHN
It’s just like Glasgow isn’t it…

COPSTICK
…the one thing that made it almost fun was these two lovely little cats…

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The remaining Grouchy Club events live in London are:

Tuesday 10th November
Tuesday 8th December
Tuesday 22nd December

Details on the Grouchy Club website.

A weird cock tale for Valentine’s Day (beware explicit material)

A couple of days ago, an ex-girlfriend asked me:

“Have you ever tasted your own sperm?”

“Errr…” I replied. “… No.”

“Why not?” she asked.

“Errr… I”m not really interested.”

“That’s weird,” she said.

“Is it?”

“If I have a baby,” she persisted, “I would want to drink some of my own breast milk just to know what it tastes like.”

“It’s not quite the same,” I suggested.

“Yes it is,” she insisted. “Have you never wondered what it tastes like?”

“Breast milk, yes. My own sperm, no. Slightly salty, I think… I’ve read that somewhere. I’ve never asked anyone. It might seem indelicate. In Beyond The Valley of The Dolls, I think someone says something like Prepare to taste the black sperm of my vengeance!. I think it’s a threat.”

“You’ve expected women to put it in their mouth. Have you no interest in knowing what it tastes like?”

“That might have been a line in it, too,” I said.

“Be serious,” she said.

“Errr… No. I’ve got no interest at all in sucking cock. Nothing I can do about that. It’s not in the genes. I can’t do anything about it. I have no interest in eating my own shit either. People have fed me shit in the past – I’ve worked for the BBC. But I don’t want to eat real shit. Call me conservative.”

“Eating your own shit is completely different,” she said. “It’s medically unhealthy.”

“Well, then,” I said, “drinking your own urine. That’s not unhealthy. People say it’s positively healthy. People do drink their own urine. It’s just not for me. Sarah Miles the actress does it. And some bloke called Desai who was the Prime Minister of India. I think Mahatma Gandhi may have drunk his own urine. But I’ve got no interest in drinking my own urine or my own sperm. Trust me on this one.”

“But you expect other people to do it,” she said.

“I’ve never pissed in anyone’s mouth in my life,” I said, “It’s not my thing. Some people get off on it, though. Maybe we should start bottling pee. There’s obviously a proven demand for it: actresses and politicians. And then there’s probably a big un-tapped market in some parts of Soho. There might be a big demand for sperm drinks in the gay community. I think I’ve read sperm is full of goodness. We could have discovered a gap in the market here. Bottled sperm and bottled pee. We could sell them both in health shops as a food supplement.”

She stopped and thought about this for a moment.

We are still in discussions.

In the current recession, Prime Minister David Cameron says he wants to encourage enterprise and small businesses as part of his Big Society. We think we may be able to get some government seed money. Or we might try to submit it as an idea on Dragons’ Den.

All we have to do is think of a catchy brand name… and iced lollies are not out of the question.

No shit.