… CONTINUED FROM DIARY No 34(b) …
THURSDAY 13th SEPTEMBER
I was talking to a stand-up comedian. She said she had done an online gig, but didn’t like them.
I can only imagine what it is like to play an online gig in silence from an invisible audience. It must be like a rehearsal where you have to deliver your performance at 100% all the time with no motivation and no reaction.
It is a strange twilight world, this coronavirus world, like a dream where brain fog is dense, motivation to do anything is very low and every day seems the same.
THURSDAY 14th SEPTEMBER
To add to the dreamlike quality of this week, I travelled on a Thameslink train today – never a good idea.
There was a lady with green hair and a red skirt sitting half a carriage away from me with a corgi dog on her lap – She looked like upside-down traffic lights.
When the brightly-coloured lady got up to leave at the next station, the dog was on a lead and followed her out of the carriage… And I saw it was not a corgi but a fox.
Is this even legal?
How did she get through the ticket barrier with a fox without being queried about it?
Thameslink may be unreliable and incompetent, but it has the bonus of having its fair share of eccentrics.
Don’t even get me onto the woman with the teddy bear who talks to anyone and everyone about the aforementioned bear; or the bloke with the bright clothes and over-enthusiastic moustache who, according to the Evening Standard, was once convicted of killing his brother.
THURSDAY 15th SEPTEMBER
In a chilling warning to all forced to use the Thameslink line, someone arrived at Elstree station to see me today and, before coming out, used the toilet facilities.
She sat in there doing what she had to do.
The toilets have recently been refurbished.
This included the installation of a movement sensor controlling the lights in the ceiling.
Because there had been no movement for a short while, all the lights suddenly went off.
My friend was sitting in a windowless cubicle inside a windowless Ladies’ toilet. She waved her arms around. No effect. She could not remember if the door had a bolt or a lever or where it was and she couldn’t find it. She couldn’t immediately see her handbag but eventually found it and, by touch and much guddling around, found her iPhone and switched its torch on.
The lesson to be learned from this is that, while sitting on a Thameslink toilet, be as quick as you can and move around as much as possible.
THURSDAY 16th SEPTEMBER
I think my constant waking up with a dry mouth during the night may be getting to me.
But, for some reason, it has been reminding me today of a story I was told once. I may have mentioned it in a blog years ago. Dunno. I can’t be bothered to check. It doesn’t matter; it’s just a McGuffin. This is a story within a story within a story.
Back in the 1990s, I did not write someone’s autobiography. He is dead now. He was a ‘sleeper’ agent for the Soviets, part of a sleeper group run for them by East Germany’s Transport Minister. Strange but true.
This is the story as told to me by the man whose autobiography I did not write.:
One of the most famous legends of Central Asia tells of a horseman, the standard-bearer of the great Khan. As the Khan’s army are entering a city after a glorious victory, the standard-bearer sees a dark lady looking at him. The dark lady has fearful eyes, as if she is looking right inside him.
Afterwards, he becomes scared that this woman is a witch and she has put the Evil Eye on him, so he goes to the great Khan and tells him his fears and says he wants to go to another city.
“Of course!” says the great Khan. “Give him the finest horse we have! Let him escape!”
So the standard-bearer takes the fastest horse in the Great Khan’s army, rides off across the desert and, in record time, travels to the other city. When he arrives, he sees the dark lady standing by the city gates, waiting for him. She looks at him, smiles and says:
“I was so worried. I knew I was due to meet you here today but, when I saw you in that other city so far away, I was worried that you would not make it here in time for your appointment.”
And the standard-bearer realises that she is Death.
THURSDAY 17th SEPTEMBER
Even the spam is kinda weird this week. This was a comment on one of my blogs this week. You can tell it’s a tad odd from the first sentence:
Hello and welcome to my webpage. I’m Kyran.
I have always dreamed of being a book writer but never dreamed I’d make a career of it. In college, though, I assisted a fellow student who needed help. She could not stop complimenting me.
Word got around and someone asked me for to write their paper just a week later. This time they would compensate me for my work.
During the summer, I started doing academic writing for students at the local college. It helped me have fun that summer and even funded some of my college tuition. Today, I still offer my writing services to students.
I was impressed by Kyran’s turn of phrase, particularly: “someone asked me for to write their paper”.
There was a link to his website and to his Trustpilot reviews which were almost all of the 5-star variety. The latest review read:
I may sub-contract writing my blog to Kyran…
THURSDAY 18th SEPTEMBER
Below is what happens when you give your iPhone to a 9-year-old and she asks Siri to translate the word ‘John’ into Chinese…
She also told me that one of the boys in her year had stolen one of another schoolmate’s micro pigs.
“A micro pig?” I asked. “This is some sort of cuddly toy?”
“No, they are real pigs,” I was told and, to prove it, a Wikipedia entry and Google photos were produced.
“He stole one of her micro pigs?” I asked.
“Yes, he stole one of her micro pigs after school. She has six. She brought one of her pet micro pigs into school in a top hat and he stole one after school.”
“She was wearing the top hat?” I asked.
“Of course not. The pig was inside the top hat. She carried the top hat in her hands with the pig in it.”
“Did she notice the pig had been stolen?” I asked.
“Of course… There was a tug-of-war. He tried to steal the top hat and the pig but she held on to the hat, so he ran away with the pig.”
As a postscript, I was later told that, although the light-fingered boy had stolen the micro pig, it was later returned to its rightful owner by “the man who looks after the boy”. I know no more about the pig’s fate.
“The man speaks English but I think he is French,” I was told.
“Have you heard him speak?” I asked.
“No,” I was told.
THURSDAY 19th SEPTEMBER
Last night, I woke up 14 times with a bone dry mouth and had to drink water. As always, this resulted in me being mentally zonked all day. Not helped by Thameslink.
I arrived at Elstree station at 1026 to catch the 1038 train which was (obviously) due to arrive at 1040 unless you read the indicator board which said the next train was at 0514…
Thameslink. The rail franchise holder with the slogan:
Reassuringly dependable incompetence in an ever-changing world.
I need to conserve my energy, because tomorrow is a big day – Thursday.
Oh… And… by the way… I made up the story about the fox on the Thameslink train. Life is what you make it and reality and surreality overlap all the time. Everything else apart from the fox story – the live miniature pigs, darkened toilets, illiterate humanity paper writers, the top hat, the homicidal man with the over-enthusiastic moustache and every day of my life being a Thursday – was true.
Or was it?
Yes, it was and is.
… CONTINUED HERE …