Harvey Weinstein, Lewis Schaffer, an iPhone and Becky Fury’s fanny print

James Harris (with microphone) talks to his guests at the wedding party in Hackney this afternoon

This afternoon, I was at comic James Harris’ wedding party in Hackney. He got married yesterday to Ke Zuo.

I was sitting talking to Hannah George and to Toby Williams, the comic who used to perform as character Dr George Ryegold. I was suggesting to them that, when the inevitable movie of the sudden downfall of film producer Harvey Weinstein is made, Lewis Schaffer should play the part of Weinstein.

The Hackney wedding party included a non-hackneyed show.

Not because of Lewis Schaffer’s sexual proclivities (Brian Simpson, the English character actor who plays the role of Lewis Schaffer is gay) but because he would be able to play the New York Jewish character to a tee – ironic, given that Brian Simpson is neither Jewish nor a New Yorker.

Imagine my surprise then, dear reader, when my left nipple began to be tickled by the vibrations of an incoming text message on my iPhone.

The message was from a comedy promoter. It said:

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Where are you? Sounds like fun.

And why do you keep saying Lewis Schaffer’s name in vain interspersed with Harvey Weinstein?

Intrigued.

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The iPhone in my shirt’s breast pocket must have phoned the comedy promoter of its own accord by pressing itself against my erect nipple… Yes, the party was that exciting.

I sent a message back. It said:

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Oops! You can’t trust mobile phones.

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I put the phone back in my breast pocket.

A little later, it tickled my nipple again.

Janey Godley’s iPhone told her I had left a 10 second message

It was a text message from comic Janey Godley, in Aberdeen to perform two shows with Scotland’s former First Minister Alex Salmond. It said:

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John did you leave a message?

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I had not phoned her. But her iPhone told her I had left a 10 second audio message on her phone.

Mysterious cyberspace keyboard not sent by me to Aberdeen

And I also seemed to have sent her a photograph of a keyboard.

A little later, I got an email from comic Becky Fury, the winner of last year’s Malcolm Hardee Cunning Stunt Award who has taken to calling herself a double Malcolm Hardee Award winner because of a dubious event in a London pub.

Becky Fury’s new weekly show project

Becky’s email was inviting me on Tuesday to a new weekly show she is organising in Victoria Park, London. The show is called the Demokratik Republik of Kabaret but she has inexplicably abbreviated that not to DRK but to DPRK, the abbreviation for North Korea.

As the weekly comedy night is new, she wants acts who want to perform to get in touch with her.

Her message said:

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Anyone who wants to come down and try new or experimental material in a lovely venue please email Demokratik Republik of Kabaret with a submission – PeoplesCabaret@gmail.com

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Becky Fury – a woman in search of the bizarre and original

I am not a performer so I think Becky assumed I would not be interested in this message and that is why she included a story for me.

To hold my attention.

I do to know if the story is true or not.

I seem to live in a world in which comics pretend to be doctors. Or not.

And English character actors pretend to be Jewish New York comics. Or not.

And iPhones phone each other without asking permission from the people who own them.

Becky Fury’s message read:

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I went to see
Betty Grumble sex clown
(Not available for children’s parties)
And she gave me a paint print of her fanny
(If you think that’s bad you should see the one
Coco the clown did with his anal beads
That’ll be the last time he gets booked to play that village fete)
So I put a picture of it on Facebook
(The paint print of the fanny
Not the anal bead one
Coco’s management have taken out an injunction on that)
I put on Facebook ‘I went to see Betty Grumble Sex Clown and she presented me with this paint print of her fanny’
The next day this comedian comes up to me and says
‘I just went to see Betty Grumble
and she gave me a paint print of her fanny…
And she signed it’ I didn’t believe him
So I said
‘Where did she stick the pen?’
He didn’t know
So I said ‘Betty Grumble didn’t give you a paint print of her fanny, did she?
You didn’t get a signed paint print of Betty Grumble’s fanny, did you? You didn’t get an unsigned paint print of Betty Grumble’s fanny. You didn’t get any paint print of Betty Grumble’s fanny. You’re just saying that because you are jealous Betty Grumble chose to give me a paint print of her fanny
And I was angry
And a man on the way home said ‘What’s wrong?’
I put on Facebook ‘I got given a paint print of Betty Grumble’s fanny and this guy came to me and said ‘Well, I got a signed paint print of Betty Grumble’s fanny and I said ‘You didn’t get a signed paint print of Betty Grumble’s fanny, you didn’t get any paint print of Betty Grumble’s Fanny’
And the man said
‘Jesus you’re angry about who’s been given a paint print of a clown’s fanny
That is ridiculous
You’re meant to be a comedian
Do you not think that’s funny?’
And I thought ‘Yes, ridiculous. Ridiculous one-upmanship. Hilarious.
When I get home I’m going to put a post on Facebook saying
Marcel Marceau mimed/handed me a card which said ‘You are the best comedian in the world’
And a Malcolm Hardee Award made out of modelling balloons
And then Coco the clown gave me a necklace made of his anal beads

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That is the message that Becky Fury sent me.

I think I will go and lie down now. It has been a long day.

Sex clown Betty Grumble’s alleged fanny print as photographed by Becky Fury, cunning stuntress

The Grouchy Club Podcast: a tad surreal

THIS BLOG WAS WRITTEN AND WAS INTENDED TO BE POSTED ON FRIDAY 23rd OCTOBER. IT IS BEING POSTED ON SUNDAY 25th OCTOBER BECAUSE I WAS UNABLE TO POST IT.

THE MORAL TO THIS IS: DON’T START A BLOG WITH WORDPRESS.

NOW READ ON, AS IF IT WERE LAST FRIDAY…

Copstick & me: It was not just the hair that was out of control

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This evening, comedy critic Kate Copstick and I recorded our 36th weekly Grouchy Club Podcast.

Copstick had bumped into someone this week who told her that, last weekend, he had got unbelievably drunk, booked into a hotel from Friday to Monday and, still drunk, simply listened to the previous 35 Grouchy Club Podcasts one after the other. 

This sounds made-up, but is true.

I can only worry for his mental well-being.

Copstick and I usually do not discuss in advance what we are going to talk about but we usually stumble into some subject. 

That was going to change this evening.

I thought it would be interesting to talk about How to interview someone.

So we actually had a topic.

But, as it turned out, we never discussed it.

The podcast recording ended 24 minutes later.

This is a short extract. If anyone understands what was going on, do let us know… I think printing a conversation, word-for-word without editing, can have its own type of surreal splendour…

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COPSTICK
Talking of Richard Gadd…

JOHN
… and who isn’t?

COPSTICK
Well we are. Spencer Jones, who was also up in Edinburgh, with a show that…

JOHN
… tragically I should have nominated and didn’t…

COPSTICK
It should have been nominated for all manner of loveliness… I’m just wondering… It crossed my mind… he’s doing terribly well on the old television advert front. He did a credit card advert where he was getting married, which was all lovely and very sweet. And now he’s doing something for dentists, where he’s grinning and clowning into camera with a set of ghastly fake teeth, encouraging people to go and get their teeth fixed for their selfie – Do it for your selfie!

JOHN
I dislike him now. It’s the part I was born to play. (RATTLES TEETH)

COPSTICK
That looked every bit as gross as it sounded, people of the ether. I just wonder, if you are trying to be taken seriously as a Gaulier-inspired, trend-setting…

JOHN
Train set?’

COPSTICK
…free-thinking, creative, clowning comic of the one-hour show format… I wonder if it makes it more difficult to be taken seriously when people are going: Oh, you’re the bloke from the advert, with the bad teeth, aren’t you?

JOHN
I don’t think so, because Dr Ryegold…

COPSTICK
George Ryegold

JOHN
… he’s in lots of adverts. He’s in about three adverts.

COPSTICK
Ah, yes, but his character in those adverts…

JOHN
… is the character, yes.

COPSTICK
… is really quite George Ryegold.

JOHN
Yes.

COPSTICK
The SpecSavers one with the dead cat.

JOHN
Yes, he’s George as opposed to Toby.

COPSTICK
He’d kind of George-ish. He’s not quite as rancid and humanity-loathing and drunk and perverted as George, because it’s difficult to do that in an advert…

JOHN
I’d buy the product!

COPSTICK
… for SpecSavers.

JOHN
I’d buy it.

COPSTICK
SpecSavers?

JOHN
I dunno. there’s something about a dead cat. Yeah, dead cats…

COPSTICK
Yeah. The dead cat. Should’ve gone to SpecSavers.

JOHN
Indeed. How we laughed.

COPSTICK
It’s quite ‘him’ – I mean it’s quite George. this… I dunno… If you’re meant to be… I don’t know… It was just that, last year, Spencer did say it did quite get to him a bit that he was constantly being stopped and asked if he was the one that was getting married.

JOHN
That’s OK. It’s recognition.

COPSTICK
Yes, but…

JOHN
I was trying to think of other people who…

COPSTICK
… is there the wrong kind of recognition? Look, this is a topic, John. we have hit on a topic!

JOHN
Can I point out…

COPSTICK
Is there the wrong kind of recognition?

JOHN
Can I point out that, although she’s a bit further along in the process, Nicole Kidman is now appearing with meerkats.

COPSTICK
I know!

JOHN
Very impressive.

COPSTICK
How badly must her career be going? Or How much money must they have?

JOHN
Well, I did think how much money because, well, Hollywood stars do do lots of ads in Japan, don’t they, and…

COPSTICK
Well, Arnold Schwarzenegger did it before her…

JOHN
… with the meerkats, yes.

COPSTICK
… with the meerkats AND now Sylvester Stallone is advertising Warburton’s bread.

JOHN
You’re joking!

COPSTICK
No! Sylvester Stallone is advertising Warburton’s bread.

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The full 24-minute podcast can be heard HERE.

Is comedy more or less important than sewage management?

Years ago, I was on a BBC shorthand writing course and one of the other guys on the course was a BBC News Trainee and Cambridge University graduate called Peter Bazalgette; there was something interesting about his eyes – a creative inquisitiveness – that made me think he had immense talent.

But he never got anywhere in BBC News.

He ended up as a researcher on Esther Rantzen’s That’s Life! and, from there, he became producer on one of the most unimaginatively-titled BBC TV shows ever: Food and Drink. 

He made a big success of that and in doing so, it is often said, he created the new concept of celebrity chefs. He then started his own company, making Changing Rooms, Ground Force and  Ready, Steady Cook amongst others.

His company ended up as part of Endemol and it is Bazalgette who is credited with making the Dutch TV format Big Brother such a big success in the UK and worldwide. By 2007, he was on Endemol’s global board with a salary of £4.6 million.

Last year, I saw another Cambridge University graduate perform at the Edinburgh Fringe – Dec Munro – and he had a creative inquisitiveness in his eyes similar to Peter Bazalgette’s.

Dec currently runs the monthly Test Tube Comedy show at the Canal Cafe Theatre in London’s Little Venice. I saw the show for the first time last night and he is an exceptionally good compere.

I always think it is more difficult to be a good compere than a good comedian and, very often, I have seen good comedians make bad comperes.

Ivor Dembina and Janey Godley – both, perhaps not coincidentally, storytellers rather than pure gag-based comics – are that rare thing: good comedians AND good comperes.

The late Malcolm Hardee – with the best will in the world – was not a particularly good comedian in a normal stand-up spot on a comedy bill – he really did survive for about 25 years on around six gags – but he was a brilliant, vastly underestimated compere as well as a club owner and spotter of raw talent and, as was often said, his greatest comedy act was actually his life off-stage.

Dec Munro has strong on-stage charisma and, judging by last night’s show, a good eye for putting together a bill, combining the more adventurous parts of the circuit – George Ryegold and Doctor Brown last night – with new acts who are very likely to have a big future – the very impressive musical act Rachel Parris

Of course, if they read this, I could have just destroyed Dec Munro’s and Rachel Parris’ careers. There is nothing worse than reading good mentions of your performance and believing them.

And I don’t know where either will end up.

In three years, Rachel Parris has the ability to be a major TV comedy performer. And Dec Munro should be a TV producer. But broadcast television is yesterday’s medium even with Simon Cowell’s successful mega shows. And no-one knows what the replacement is.

Perhaps Dec Munro and Rachel Parris will ride the crest of an upcoming wave; perhaps they will fade away. Showbiz is a dangerously random business. But, then, so is everything in life.

Peter Bazalgette is the great-great-grandson of sewer pioneer Sir Joseph Bazalgette who created central London’s sewer network which was instrumental in stopping the city’s cholera epidemics.

Sometimes handling shit in a better way can be more important than being a successful showbiz performer or producer.

You can create your own punchline to that.