This is allegedly a transcript of an un-broadcast section of an old Have I Got News For You TV programme recorded when Angus Deayton was presenter and DJ Jimmy Savile was a guest on the show. Regular team captains were comedian Paul Merton and Private Eye editor Ian Hislop.
During the headline round:
DEAYTON: You used to be a wrestler didn’t you?
SAVILLE: I still am.
DEAYTON: Are you?
SAVILLE: I’m feared in every girls’ school in the country.
DEAYTON: Yeah, I’ve heard about that.
SAVILLE: What have you heard?
MERTON: Something about a cunt with a rancid, pus-filled cock.
(Huge audience laugh; Awkward pause)
SAVILLE: I advise you to wash your mouth out, my friend…
MERTON: That’s what she had to do! (Audience laughs)
HISLOP: Weren’t you leaving money in phone boxes or something?
(Saville glares at him) Or have I got completely the wrong end of the…
SAVILLE: (To Deayton, heavily) The question you asked was about wrestling.
DEAYTON: Yes. And then you mentioned girls’ schools. I don’t know whe…
SAVILLE: Well I understood this was a comedy programme. I realise now how wrong I was. (Audience laugh)
DEAYTON: So were you a professional wrestler?
SAVILLE: Yes I was.
DEAYTON: (To audience) Glad we got that cleared up.(Pulls face; audience giggles)
HISLOP: Feared by every girls’ school in the country…
SAVILLE: That’s right.
MERTON: Due to having a rancid, pus-filled cock.(Huge audience laugh)
HISLOP: You’re on top form tonight, Paul…
SAVILLE: (Strangely) I’m…this is not what I…
FLOOR MANAGER: (OOV) OK, do you…(inaudible section)…shall we, for pick-ups…
MERTON: I’m terribly sorry. I don’t know what came over me.
SAVILLE: A pus-filled cock, I imagine. (Shocked audience laugh)
MERTON: Oh, it’s nice to see you joining in. We’d been waiting for you, you sad senile old shitter. (Audience appears to do double-take)
DEAYTON: I think we…d-d-you you want to apologise to our guest, Paul?
MERTON: Sorry, I do apologise. Sir senile old shitter, is what I meant to say.
(Audience laugh; pause) Sir senile old shitter…who fucks minors.
HISLOP: Sorry, I’m just looking at our lawyer again. (Waves) Hello!
DEAYTON: Shall we get back on course with this, or sha…
SAVILLE: I do fuck miners, that’s quite correct. I have always done so. They can do the most wonderful things with cigars. The coal…
MERTON: What, they stick them up your senile, pus-filled arse?
FLOOR MANAGER: (OOV): Come on…I’m getting an ear-bashing here. It’s…
MERTON: Oh they want to continue. Sorry, I’ll contain myself. Carry on…
DEAYTON: Right (Pause) You used to be a professional wrestler didn’t you?
(Huge audience laugh)
SAVILLE: (Calmly) I did.
DEAYTON: You didn’t have a nickname or anything?
SAVILLE: Yes – ‘Loser’. (Audience laughs)
Out-take 4: 21’20
Following a discussion about caravans:
DEAYTON: Last month, Roger Moore sold his luxury caravan in Malta. Asked by the…
MERTON: I visited your caravan the other week, Jimmy.
SAVILLE: Did you really?
MERTON: Oh yes. Interesting what you can find, if you have a bit of a poke.
HISLOP: He just told you, it was twelve years ago…
SAVILLE: No, I lived in it for twelve years.
MERTON: And fucked twelve year olds. (Audience laugh)
DEAYTON: Here we go again…I’ll be backstage if anyone wants me.
MERTON: (Indicating Saville) That’s what you said to the kids on your show, wasn’t it?
SAVILLE: No, they never did want me.
HISLOP: Not even Sarah Cornley?
SAVILLE: She was an exception.
DEAYTON: Who’s Sarah Cornley?
SAVILLE: Sarah Cornley is…
HISLOP: About fifteen grand in damages, wasn’t she?
(Uncertain audience laugh)
SAVILLE: That’s right.
HISLOP: So if I was going to mention that you threatened to break her arm if she said anything…
SAVILLE: You’d be very wrong. (Pause) I said I’d break both her arms.
MERTON: Fucking hell. I mean, you’re just sitting there, all shell suit and cigar wearing those fucking…I don’t know what they are.
SAVILLE: Chrome-plated SC-700 sun-visors, these are. Sent to me by…
MERTON: We don’t give a shit. Ladies and gentlemen, Sir James Saville OBE. Jim has fixed it for me to have my arms broken. Meet this depressing old fucked up cunt of a fucker on television who’s riddled with cancer and fucking pubic lice.
HISLOP: (To lawyer again) Hello! (Audience laughs)
MERTON: Christ, I mean ha ha, big fucking joke – the fucking lawyers are involved, tee hee. It doesn’t change anything.
DEAYTON: (Visibly out of character) Do you wanna stop, or…?
MERTON: No I don’t fucking want to stop. It’s all shit! You’ll expect a comedy walkout in a minute, won’t you? I mean, big bloody joke – I’m going to quote Shakespeare in a minute, how fucking out of character. And Ian knows about football – oh my fucking sides.
SAVILLE: You’ve never fucked anyone in your life, boy.
MERTON: Oh fuck off…
FLOOR MANAGER: (OOV) …About five minutes, just to…(Phil Davey enters)
PHIL DAVEY: OK, well top that as they say. You’re looking troubled by that, aren’t you mate? I tell you, I came back from Amsterdam recently…
RECORDING PLACED ON STAND-BY; CUTS BACK TO CLOSE-UP OF DEAYTON
AWAITING HIS CUE
DEAYTON: OK. Second time lucky. (Pause) Last month, Roger Moore sold his luxury caravan in Malta. Asked by the New York Times about his relaxed acting style…
After I posted this blog, always well-informed comedian Richard Herring told me he believed the above was written several years ago by SOTCAA, who describe themselves as “a sort of loose rebel collective of BBC sketch writers”. And, indeed, the letter below (supplied by SOTCAA) confirms this was an excellent 1999 hoax. The full background on how and why the spoof transcript was written is explained in my blog HERE.