Tag Archives: Ian McKellen

How to write, structure and maintain a TV soap opera like Coronation Street

Many moons ago, I used to work a lot for Granada TV in Manchester, home of Coronation Street which, since its birth in 1960, has been the UK’s regular ratings-topper.

I never worked in the Drama Department at Granada – mostly I was in Promotions with slight forays into Children’s/Light Entertainment.

But I remember having conversations with two Coronation Street producers at different times about the structure of the soap and they both, pretty much, ran it along similar lines.

The first, crucial pillar to build a soap on is a central location.

In Coronation Street, the BBC’s EastEnders and ITV’s Emmerdale this is a pub – the Rover’s Return, the Queen Vic and The Woolpack.

River City in Scotland and Fair City in the Republic of Ireland have also taken the pub to their soapy hearts.

The pub allows you to have a central core cast – a small staff and ‘regulars’ who live locally – and a logical reason why new characters bringing new plots will enter and leave the ongoing storyline.

ATV’s ancient soap Crossroads used a variation of this by having the central setting as a motel.

In the case of Coronation Street, there was (certainly when I worked at Granada) a formula which went roughly like this…


  • one main storyline peaking
  • one main storyline winding down
  • one storyline building to be next main storyline
  • one subsidiary storyline peaking
  • one subsidiary storyline winding down
  • one storyline building to be next subsidiary storyline

COMIC STORYLINES (as with dramatic storylines)

  • one peaking
  • one winding down
  • one building

I have always thought that EastEnders fails in ignoring or vastly underplaying the possibility of comic storylines. When Coronation Street is on a roll, it can be one of the funniest shows on TV.

I confess shamefacedly that I have not actually watched Coronation Street lately (well, it HAS been going since 1960, now five times a week, and even I have a partial life).

But another interesting insight from one of the producers at Granada TV was that Coronation Street (certainly in its perceived golden era) was also slightly out-dated. It appeared to be a fairly socially-realistic tableau of life in a Northern English town, slightly dramatised. But it was always 10-20 years out-of-date. It showed what people (even people in the North) THOUGHT life was currently like, but it had an element of nostalgia.

This was in-built from the start. The initial ‘three old ladies in the snug’ of the 1960s – Era Sharples and her two cronies) is what people thought Northern life was like but, in fact, that was a vision from the early 1950s or 1940s or even 1930s. So modern storylines were being imposed on a slightly nostalgised (not quite romanticised!) vision of the North.

In other countries where pubs are not a tradition, of course, you have to find another central location.

But, in my opinion, if you lessen the humour and harden the gritty realism, you may maintain ratings figures in the short or medium term, but you are gambling. And if your spoken lines sound like written lines (as they often do in EastEnders) then you are a titanic success sailing close to an iceberg.

But what do I know?

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Filed under Television, Writing

A Canadian Christmas in London, 1979

I asked Anna Smith, this blog’s occasional Canadian correspondent, if she had any memories of Christmases past. She sent me this about a time when she was an exotic dancer and comedy performer.

Anna Smith in 1979

Anna Smith in London in 1979

The second time I went to England, on the QE2 liner, was in mid-November 1979. Traveling on the QE2 was cheaper than the plane fare. Ian McKellen was on the ship and he gave a little lecture about acting. He had a Q&A afterwards, but I didn’t ask him anything.

When I arrived, I had £30 pounds in cash and the address of the Nell Gwyn club in Soho, where I stayed for seven years. I worked at the Nell Gwyn/Gargoyle Club and ended up living in a house on Royal College Street in Camden full of actors and strippers and comics and an ape expert (Peter Elliott) but they all went to their parents’ houses for Christmas so I was left alone for my first Christmas in London.

It was unusually snowy that year and I got very ill from running around Soho taking my clothes off in different clubs.

So I relaxed in bed. I don’t recall quite which bed, but likely it was the ape man’s, since he probably was the only one who could afford a television.

He used to lie in bed and get woken up by calls from his agent for auditions or odd jobs like teaching Romanian child acrobats to imitate chimpanzees. One time his agent called and asked if he wanted to go to Canada, to work on a film called Quest for Fire. He was an actor and ape expert… Still is. Any British movie about apes for the last forty years, he’s been in or consulted on it.

The first time I met him, he had just returned from Birmingham with a huge white bandage on one of his fingers. A female chimpanzee had tried to rape him.

Ian Hinchliffe in the 1980s

Comedy legend Ian Hinchliffe ate glass but was not an acrobat

I think he was from an acrobat family…. Do they have many of those in Yorkshire?  Who knows?

But Yorkshire produced Ian Hinchliffe who was no acrobat, though he did perform tricks with broken glass.

Anyway, Peter Elliott, the ape expert, was a Desmond Morris fanatic; he advised me to read The Naked Ape and was not mean to me about being an ignorant Canadian.

One lady who lived in that house was very aloof about me and she was always pointing out how inferior people from the Colonies were. One time we were both heading into central London at the same time. I don’t know where she was off to but I was on my way to work and a bit late. It was very snowy and when I saw our bus rushing towards us I flagged it as if it was a taxi, even though we were not at a bus stop. She looked appalled and said sternly: “This is London – We don’t flag the bus here!”

But the bus stopped right in front of us and we both got onto it.

Really, I never have had any problems flagging a bus. One time I did it during a sandstorm in Sydney. Because of the storm I was the only passenger, so the driver took me all the way home. I think he had just finished his shift.

As for that lady who was so mean and had not appreciated that I had flagged the bus for her so, when she went out of town, I slept with her boyfriend who did not seem to think I was inferior at all.

Anyhow, I had an interesting Christmas alone in that tall four story townhouse. in Royal College Street.

I did not have much food, but I enjoyed watching television because there were so many talk shows, though I did not know who any of the guests were or have any idea what they were talking about. It was all very interesting because I was trying to figure out stuff like Why is Esther Rantzen so important to British people?

Tony Green, aka Sir Gideon Vein, c 1983/1884

Tony Green, aka Sir Gideon Vein, in a London graveyard c1984

I phoned my mother in Vancouver to tell her I was fine in London making friends with lots of fantastic strippers and nice men who were ape impersonators or who wrote poetry about their glasses (John Hegley) with friends who pretended they were dead (Tony Green) and who wrote songs about stomping on their cats (Tony De Meur). Also there was a very nice gay actor who had sex with a woman once because he was very professional and said he wanted to know what it felt like in case it ever came up at an audition.

We were all very responsible and only one of the men had ever got a woman pregnant (a comedian who is now a big Name).

I did not mention to my mother the man from British Telecom who somehow had ended up at our parties, because he was a bit older and I did not want her to worry.

Anna Smith impersonates an Englishwoman in London in 1984. She borrowed the cat

Anna Smith impersonates an Englishwoman in London in 1984… She had to borrow the cat

“Thank God you’re alright,” my mother had told me. “I was so worried when I didn’t hear from you for a month.”

Then she told me she had phoned Scotland Yard to ask them to look for me. Scotland Yard told my mother that hundreds of girls disappear in London every day so not to call them for another six months.

I stayed for seven years in London.

I had to keep leaving to go dance in Belgium because of UK visa restrictions.

I was constantly in trouble over my work permit in Belgium and eventually I had up go to a Belgian doctor in London’s Harley Street to get my vaccines updated and a certificate saying I was mentally fit to strip in Belgium.

Once in Brussels, we had to sign elaborate contracts in quadruplicate in French and Flemish which had hundreds of items including that if we were performing trapeze or with wild animals we were responsible for obtaining our own insurance.

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Filed under Christmas, London, Nostalgia

What Vincent Price told Christopher Lee about Peter Cushing’s wife + which well-known English actor was “a nonce”

Yesterday’s quickly-made logo

A daily watering/gossip hole at the Edinburgh Fringe this year

At the Edinburgh Fringe this year, I am co-hosting The Grouchy Club with Scotsman comedy reviewer Kate Copstick.

The idea is that it is a daily one-hour watering hole where comedians, other performers and – God forbid – members of the public can just come along and – uncensored – chat and gossip and bitch about their ongoing experiences at the Fringe.

The stories, I hope, will all be true; but some may have been elaborated in the telling.

There is that famous line in John Ford’s movie The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance:

“When the legend becomes fact, print the legend.”

Some stories are unverifiable, but are too good not to print. One of the things I studied at college was journalism. Our course tutor was, at that time, Production Editor at the News of The World.

He told us that, when a newspaper – particularly a tabloid – puts a question mark at the end of a headline, it usually means they do not actually believe the story but it is too good not to print. So:


is a real, factual story. But


is entertaining but is probably a load of old cobblers.

Russell Brand had a sex shop theme?

Russell Brand: did he have a sex shop theme?

I remember the excellent Chortle comedy website once published a story that Russell Brand was considering (note that word) opening a string of comedy clubs which would have a decor theme based on sex shops.

This, I presume was part of an ongoing campaign of a load of old cobblers made up by his publicist to get Russell’s name printed on a regular basis to raise his profile. (It worked) I presume Chortle editor Steve Bennett did not believe it was true, but it was too good a story not to print in his trivia collection. I have never asked Steve about this but – to hell with checking the facts – I will assume what I say about him is true.

In my blog yesterday, I posted comedian Tony Green’s entirely true memories of the Demolition Decorators’ act in the 1970s/1980s.

Tony is also a mine of gossip on the British film industry. Here are two stories he has told me. Both, I think, are true:


Tony Green today remembers his early days

Tony Green told me tales of the silver screen & more

Vincent Price and Christopher Lee,” he told me, “shared the same birthday and Peter Cushing’s was the day before – which was strange, because they all ended up as horror film stars.

“When Peter Cushing’s wife died, he tried to top himself. He tried to drown himself, but he could swim. It is not easy to drown yourself when you can swim. He tried to give himself a heart attack by running up and down the stairs, but he did not have a weak heart.

“So he didn’t have a heart attack, couldn’t drown himself, didn’t really want to take an overdose – this is a few hours after his wife died. Then he reckoned he heard a voice saying: Peter, your time is not yet come. When God says your time has come, we will be re-united in heaven. And it was 23 years later before he died.

“Vincent Price had a sense of humour and occasionally he would phone up Christopher Lee who had no sense of humour and one time he asked: How is Peter?

Well, said Christopher, as you know, he’s still waiting to go to heaven and meet Helen and, when that day comes Peter will, I think, find the happiness that he craves.

But what if, said Vincent, when he dies, he knocks on heaven’s door and God says she’s out?

“Christopher said: I don’t understand.

She could be out doing something else, suggested Vincent.

I want you to know, Christopher told him, I find that remark extremely tasteless and I can’t believe that you’d make such a crass remark. When I next speak to Peter, I am going to tell him what you said.

“And, when he did, he had to hold the phone about three minutes because Peter Cushing found it so funny he fell off his chair.

“When Peter told Vincent about it, he said: As you know, Vincent, Christopher has never had much of a sense of humour.”


Tony Green, in his character of Sir Gideon Vein, recorded a series of introductions to his favourite horror films. (Sir Gideon Vein Presents)

“I think we did about four,” Tony told me. “They’re all very bitchy, last about five minutes and, considering they were all improvised – there’s no script… Have you seen Life & Death With Gideon Vein?”


It is a 20-minute film made in 1984. It is on YouTube.

“It was particularly difficult,” Tony told me, “because the bloke who made it was a rich gay Australian actor. We met him at the Henley Festival. My wife at the time got the mad hots for him and he got the mad hots for me. So we would all be in the pub and he would be saying to me: Surely you’ve got to be a little bit gay? And she would ask me: Why don’t you sleep with him?

“I would tell her: But I’m not gay! I enjoy having sex with you. He’s not a bad looking bloke, but I’m not a gay man.

“Somebody said to a very camp old actor: You’re a queer! And he replied: It’s not our fault that Nature played a dirty trick on us.

“These days, with Simon Callow and Ian McKellen around, if someone says You’re straight, aren’t you? you could say: Yes. It’s not my fault. Nature played a dirty trick on me. Ian McKellen is going around outing everyone. But not everyone wants to be out.

Eric Portman, English film star

Eric Portman, UK movie star

“He outed Eric Porter – not to be confused with Eric Portman, who was a nonce. I’ve got nothing against gay people, but being a nonce is a totally different thing. I know Eric Portman was a nonce, because a friend of mine had him fucking him up the arse when he was seven years old.

“My friend told me he remembered being a little seven year old boy and Portman saying: Don’t tell yer dad. This is what happens to all little boys. It happened to me. It probably happened to yer dad. Don’t tell yer dad. It might hurt a little bit but you might like it. Don’t tell him what Uncle Eric did. Never tell anyone.”


Filed under Movies, Newspapers, Sex