Scotland being ‘insignificant’ may make it independent (that and weather maps)

Today’s edition of The Sunday Times

I was going to blog about something else today but the TV News has been leading with the Sunday Times poll which says the Scottish YES vote for independence is ahead of the NO vote for the first time – with only 11 days to go to the poll.

I have always thought Devo Max was a better solution than independence – more powers without opening the Pandora’s Box of complications and unknowns that independence would cause. But Devo Max has never seemed to be mentioned as being on the table and it was not put on the ballot paper.

Apparently it now is.

A late-in-the-day Westminster offer

Presumably this will be seen by the Westminster government as a magnanimous gesture. In fact, the offer may well be another nail in the coffin of the UK because – coming so obviously immediately after the Sunday Times poll – it looks like an insincere move of desperation.

Not helped by the fact that nothing specific was actually offered today. The government seemed to be saying: “We will give you some Devo Max. But we will tell you the details – well, maybe some of the details – tomorrow. Err… when we have thought what they might be… Which we have not bothered to think about until now.”

The American comic Lewis Schaffer has a joke about why Americans do not know much about Britain… “Because you’re insignificant!” he says.

To many Scots, I think, this looks like the English attitude to Scotland.

I worked on a nationally-networked TV show in London years ago where the very liberal, open-minded, sophisticated producer wrote a script which referred to England.

“You mean Britain not England,” I told him. “If you say England, it will antagonise viewers in Scotland and Wales and maybe even Northern Ireland.”

“It doesn’t matter.” he told me.

It may seem minor to someone born in England, but there has been a widespread and oft-repeated gripe by Scots throughout my lifetime that, when a Scots sportsperson wins, it is a win for Britain; when an English sportsperson wins, it is a win for England; when a Scots sportsperson loses, it is a loss for a Scots sportsperson.

Over years, small bitternesses become ingrained bitterness.

Why does the UK exist?

James VI of Scotland and I of England

Because Scottish King James VI inherited the English throne in 1603 and the two kingdoms were united through him. (Alright, the Acts of Union were 1706/1707.)

As for me, I have been pissed-off for years with the weather maps on BBC TV and elsewhere.

In some artistic ambition to show the curve of the earth, the viewpoint of the British Isles is taken from a position which appears to be over Central France. Why on earth is the viewpoint from outside the country?

The result is that the islands are distorted with a giant southern half of England and increasingly diminishing northern parts, so Scotland is distorted into less visual significance compared to England. Why? Why is the viewpoint not over the UK looking directly down?

A ridiculously minor gripe. perhaps. But something other people have mentioned to me.

Minor gripes combine to grow into major bitternesses.

It is that Lewis Schaffer (semi-)joking observation again that, to Americans, the UK is insignificant in comparison to the US.

To many Scots, it seems Scotland is insignificant to England.

After the recent Edinburgh Fringe, I stayed on for a week, going up to Perth and Inverness.

When I was in both Perth and Inverness, I was asked what the English in London thought about the looming independence vote.

“They don’t think about it,” I said. “No-one talks about it or thinks about it – no ordinary person. It is in people’s minds less than what’s happening on Celebrity Big Brother and no-one talks about that.”

The YES campaign is not winning the argument because no-one has any idea what would happen after independence.

The NO campaign has been losing the campaign by (arguably) not treating the possibility of independence seriously. Until today.

Just by agreeing to a ballot paper which has a psychologically positive YES for independence and a negative NO for the status quo is a benefit for those pushing independence.

Ed idiocy in today’s Mail On Sunday

A load of bullshit has been spouted about the pound sterling. But, before it joined the Euro, The Republic of Ireland got along happily by having their Punt float with the UK Pound. They appeared to have no problems with that.

And a load of bullshit has been spouted about Europe. But I cannot see Scotland splintering off from the UK and being accepted into Europe. The Spanish would surely veto it because of their problems with the Basques and the Catalans.

Personally, I think there is a risk that an independent Scotland (with only 5.3 million people – the UK has 64 million) would go the way Ireland has – widespread engrained corruption. I can see Scotland becoming like some Balkan state with fiefdoms.

After all, as Bonnie Prince Charlie found out to his cost, Scotland was never really a single country. There was the Highland/Lowland (or, at times, Catholic/Protestant) divide. But, beyond that, were a whole collection of regional and clan (read gang) loyalties.

I still think Devo Max is the best solution.

But it may be too late for that.

Who knows?

I got a message from a Scot who lives in Scotland this morning:

“It feels like we are on the edge of revolution. I’ve noticed a change today though… The move to Yes has stirred-up some of the more negative elements of the Yes campaign… But there are still seven per cent undecided.”

Scots comedian Del Strain talks about treason and independence for Scotland

(This was also published on the Indian news site WSN)

Comic Del Strain sits on a pile of newspapers

With less than a year to go before the referendum on Scottish independence and with support in Scotland running at a reported 25%, I though it would be interesting to ask London-based Scots stand-up comedian Del Strain for his opinion.

“We all need to decide,” Del told me, “and the Prime Minister Mr Cameron is making it so easy for the Scottish people to decide where they wanna go. “

“I think they’ll vote No,” I said. “Devo Max sounds a good alternative.”

“That’s not how Scotland works,” Del told me. “You’ve got 40% of people who love Ireland. You’ve got 40% who love England. And then you’ve got the 20% like me who despise both sides and think it’s everything that’s held us back a thousand years. That’s the way it is.

“It has been said on the grapevine that a lot of the southern (English) comedy acts have been finding it hard when they’ve gone up to play in Scotland this last two years because of this (British) government and the way it affects society in general. People have not taken to southerners.”

“But that’s ever since Braveheart,” I suggested. “I think the combination of Margaret Thatcher being Prime Minister until 1990 and then the release of Braveheart in 1995 followed oddly by the return of the Stone of Scone to Scotland in 1996… That all stoked Scottish nationalism and anti-English sentiment.”

“It’s not necessarily anti-English,” argued Del. “I saw a thing a couple of months ago which said the Geordies and people in Northumberland and even North Yorkshire said: If Scotland gets independence, can you draw the border with England further down, please?

“It’s that southern English guy in a Hugo Boss suit telling people it’s not a something-for-nothing society, even though the only time that southern man’s ever broke sweat in his life wasn’t with a shovel: it was wearing a gimp mask.”

“Who’s that?” I asked.

“Coke-snorting, hooker-shagging (NAME OF A POLITICIAN CENSORED IN CASE I GET SUED),” said Del.

“I remember,” I said, “that, in 2008, ITV did an opinion poll in Berwick-upon-Tweed in England and a clear majority of people said they wanted to be in Scotland. And my Indian-born optician from Carlisle told me people in Carlisle want to be in Scotland.”

“Well,” said Del, “a Geordie is more like a Scotsman than someone from Surrey. Even people from Yorkshire or Liverpool don’t class themselves as being English. If you’re from Liverpool, you class yourself as being Scouse.”

“There’s a historical thing about the North being Danish, isn’t there?” I agreed. “The Anglo Saxons were only in the southern part of what is now England.”

“Celts and Picts are what Scotsmen came from,” said Del, “and then a wee mix of Scandinavian later on.”

“So, you reckon Scotland is going to vote for independence?” I asked.

“Through the looking glass,” said Del, “the sums don’t add up. All the problems we’ve got: dependencies and alcoholism, the ageing population of the baby boomers… I don’t see where the money is there to do it and fly solo. If it was 30 years ago, Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. But to hand us over to the European Union now and become what Ireland was? Another puppet? That’s treason in my book. To do that just to get a ‘Scottish’ thing in the front of a passport is treason.

“But I hear that possibly there’s more oil that we haven’t declared to the English state and that’s why we’re doing it. So, if that did happen, maybe England and Scotland would even to go to war again. Who knows what could happen? Who knows?”

“You’re saying that with some excitement,” I said.

“I would get evicted, I suppose,” laughed Del. “I’d have to move back over the border!”

“But,” I said, “if Scotland got independence, England would never, ever have a Labour government – because of the voting patterns.”

“But I think the three party system’s dead,” said Del. “I think what people should do is… The Solidarność movement brought Communism down in Poland.”

“You’re not mellowing with age,” I suggested.

“Not really,” said Del. “The way it’s unravelling is phenomenal.”

“What’s unravelling?”

“The whole world. Comedy. Life. The way it is in America. The currencies.”

“How’s comedy unravelling?”

“That little revival we were hoping we would get because, during the last Conservative government, comedy went mental with alternative comedy and it was actually good for it because people need a laugh… It hasn’t worked like that this time. The economics, the way I see it, is that people are going out and spending pounds on comedians in big theatres as opposed to going out to clubs… Clubs are closing all round the country and the trend is slightly worrying. You don’t need a degree from the London School of Economics to work out that, if there are less gigs and more comedians, something;s got to give. It’s not even new acts. Twenty years veterans are worried.”

“So what’s your future in comedy?” I asked.

“I don’t know. For me it was part I get a buzz off doing it, part I didn’t want to break the law any more, part positive affirmation of my son who’s just about to be 16. It was all a package of everything. I don’t know what the next five or ten years hold. I could end up living in the mountains in Ibiza in that beautiful little village they’ve got where they grow their own pot and grow their own food. I could end up driving around all over the country in a Winnebago. Or a could grow a Mohican. I really do not know.”

“In the meantime, you’re doing a mini-tour of Scotland in November,” I prompted.

“Yeah,” said Del. “Shotts, Dundee, Aberdeen twice, Liverpool.”

“Alright,” I corrected myself. “A mini-tour of Scotland and part of Ireland.”

Cornish flags and the adjectivising of the Green Party’s transsexual comic

Shelley Bridgman, an adjectivised trans-genre creative

Yesterday, I went to Land’s End. With the weather the way it was, it was a bit like Scott’s last expedition to Antarctica. In the inevitable souvenir shop, they were selling Cornish flags and beer mats which were half Union flag and half Cornish flag (it is like the St George’s flag of England, but a white cross on a black background and has a piratical feel).

I am all for devolution in its various forms, perhaps even Scottish independence, but I have a nasty feeling some people really do have fantasies of Cornish independence. Quite how they think Cornwall could be economically viable, I have no idea. Perhaps tin will become the new gold.

Meanwhile, back in the semi-real world of politics..

As a follow-up to my blog two days ago about the Green Party’s spectacular PR own goal this week, when they cancelled an appearance by booked comic Lindsay Sharman because (in their own words)  “we’ve got a 63 old transexual comic instead of a second female artist”…

The transsexual involved was the highly talented Shelley Bridgman (formerly Shelley Cooper). I know Shelley a little. I prefer to think of her not as a trans-gender comic but as a trans-genre comic: she has more to her quiver than just the slings and arrows of outrageous comedy.

She tells me, after reading all the spinoff from this week’s PR fiasco:

“It’s not about the Green Party really; I don’t want to blame them; it’s everyone on internet forums and everywhere. On the plus side, instead of one adjective I now have two. Not content with everyone defining me a trans whatever, I am now a 63 year old trans whatever. Perhaps I should kill someone then I’ll be a 63 year old murdering, trans whatever. All suggestions on a postcard…”

Why liars and the tsunami of history may yet lead to bloody civil war in Europe and Scottish independence

In 1985 I was on holiday in Uzbekistan.

Opposite our hotel, a new block was being built and its skeleton was showing massive cracks in the concrete. I asked an architect why this was.

“They are using the wrong type of concrete,” he told me. “The decision on which type of concrete to use in the building was made centrally in Moscow. They have a very cold climate in Moscow. This is Uzbekistan. We are in the middle of a scorching hot desert. They are using the wrong type of concrete because those are the decisions made by the bureaucrats in Moscow.”

The Soviet Union was partly an organisational disaster because it made centralised decisions for a nation which stretched from Uzbekistan and the Balkans in the west to Siberia and Mongolia in the east.

In 1991, Yugoslavia disintegrated, largely because, like the Soviet Union, it was a fake country with such disparate constituent parts that it never made a sensible whole. It just never held together as a single country because it was not a single country.

The UK joined the European Economic Community in 1973 and I remember the 1975 referendum in which English politicians Edward Heath, Harold Wilson and other pro-Europeans lied through their teeth and claimed we had joined an economic union which no-one had any intention of making a political union. The referendum was said to be about joining an economic Common Market.

The European Economic Community then became the European Union in 1993 and Eastern European countries joined after the fall of the Soviet Union. Turkey is likely to join, if it can get over its habit of routinely torturing people (or even if it doesn’t). There is even talk of Uzbekistan joining – a ‘partnership and co-operation agreement’ came into force in 1999.

So we have the ludicrous spectre of a new Soviet-style Union with a centralised bureaucracy increasingly making decisions on the same basis for towns and cities from icy cold Aberdeen (I was partly brought up there in a council estate on a hill, so don’t talk to me about cold) to the baking hot deserts of western Asia (I’ve been there).

And, give me a break, Scottish culture bears no relation to Balkan, Turkish or Uzbek culture, let alone Italian culture.

In Scotland yesterday, at the time of writing, the governing SNP (Scottish National Party) appears to have won a decisive victory in elections for the Scottish Parliament, possibly helped by the fact the opposition Labour Party seems to have mostly attacked not the SNP, but the Conservative Party which is virtually non-existent in Scotland. It would be as if Britain, at the start of World War Two, had decided to concentrate on waging war against Italy instead of Germany.

Presumably this own-goal disaster of a strategy was masterminded from London – another example of why centralised control is a bad idea.

Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond has said he will introduce a referendum on Scottish independence in the next Scottish Parliament.

I used to think Scottish independence was a ridiculous idea because Scotland is not economically large enough to be independent but I have changed my mind because of the European Union.

Clearly I do not think we should be in the European Union but there seems to be no practical way to get out of it.

If Scotland were to separate from the United Kingdom and become an independent country, then financially it would gain massively from being a small country within the European Union – I worked in Ireland in the 1990s and saw the massive financial benefits that country had reaped and was still reaping from Europe.

If Scotland became independent I do not know what would happen in Wales but there is some likelihood that it would move towards independence from England (for – whisper it quietly – it is in the United Kingdom not as a separate country but as a principality of England).

Instead of one country (the UK) being part of the EU, there would be three countries with three votes but the same outlook on almost all issues – an outlook shared by the island of Ireland (which is going to unify eventually, however it happens).

Quite what happens to Britain’s ‘voice within Europe’ and to the British Armed Forces at this point, I can’t even begin to get my head round. But we may yet live in interesting times as I cannot see a vastly enlarged European Union lasting very long without a Soviet style acrimonious break-up or a Yugoslavian type civil war.

Edward Heath, the lying cunt who took us into Europe may yet be the British leader who created a very bloody civil war within Europe.

We can’t escape the tsunami of history.

I am getting a Scottish passport – with Sean Connery

American comedian Lewis Schaffer recently Tweeted a #ff recommending this blog for its “casual xenophobia and non-casual name-dropping”.

Well, for sure, when Scotland gets independence, I am going to get a Scottish passport as soon as possible because it will be safer than a British or (by then) English passport.

If your aircraft gets hijacked or you get involved in any other terrorist mass hostage situation, the first people to be shot are the Americans – obviously – or sometimes the Israelis who, for some semi-mystifying reason count as Americans in such situations.

The next to be shot – depending on the former colonial history of the people with the guns and the bad attitude problem are either the British or the French.

The last people to get shot are likely to be Irish or Swiss passport holders… The Irish because even the most uneducated terrorist has probably heard of the IRA and you don’t shoot your own; it’s like Toyota owners being polite to each other on the roads in Britain. And the Swiss are fairly safe because even the most uneducated terrorist is likely to know the Swiss are neutral in everything and have never done anything – they did not even invent the cuckoo clock.

It’s also probable, of course, that most terrorist organisations bank with the Swiss and you don’t want to annoy people who are giving you a good interest rate and hiding your identity from the CIA, the NSA and MI6.

So I am going to get a Scottish passport when Scotland breaks from the United Kingdom.

I have no idea why Lewis Schaffer – who continues to appear on stage every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday in London’s longest-running solo comedy show at The Source Below in Soho – should complain about name-dropping.

But, then, he’s a New York Jew.

What does a colonial kid like that know?

Marilyn Monroe once reportedly asked Laurence Olivier when being served doughy things at a Jewish dinner while they were filming The Prince and The Showgirl in London:

“What are those?”

“They’re matzoh balls, Marilyn,” Olivier told her.

“Gee, Laurence,” she replied, “Don’t they eat any other part of a matzoh?”

Also has the otherwise street-savvy Lewis never heard of adding random Tags to blogs to try to get extra hits? I haven’t even mentioned the racist Britney Spears animal sex tape scandal involving Prince William, Kate Middleton and Justin Bieber referred-to by the porno stand-up comics in the inept IKEA ad currently running on British television but obviously not on the hardcore sex channels nor on Colonel Gaddafi’s cage-fighting Libyan TV channel? The one with the trans-sexual goldfish. Nor have I mentioned granny sex (popular with Lewis). Nor Japanese schoolgirl facials.

What is it with the Japanese and sperm?