Tag Archives: Jimmy James Jones

Comedy club owner turns badass rapper

The Comfort Zone

Here’s an extract from a new rap video featuring George W Bush, Barrack Obama, Tony Blair, Bill Clinton, a London comedy club owner and a young stand-up comic:

I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully. Yes we can. He has existing and active military plans which could be activated within 45 minutes. I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

Paedos on the telly, looking like stars
Paedos in Rome and the House of Lords
Paedos in the pockets of all the police
Hope the dirty buggers don’t have their eyes on my niece

Football on the telly to convince you you’re a winner
When the price of a shirt could buy the whole family dinner
Children in the world all starving and alone
Wishing they could be in the Comfort Zone

“It’s got something, hasn’t it?” he asked me.

“It’s visually fascinating,” I said. “That bit with you in the Taj Mahal and the faces on the wall. And an older man in a purple suit and a young black guy.”

“There’s something there, isn’t there?” he said.

“You should go up to the Edinburgh Fringe with it,” I said.

“I fucking hate Edinburgh,” he told me. “Standing around surrounded by multi-millionaires who pretend they don’t have any fucking money with their fucking Caribbean tans. Fuck them, the rich bastards. I’m just jealous. I wanted to launch it on your blog first,” he told me at his club yesterday. “I wanted to support you.”

“At my age,” I said, “I need support. Maybe a zimmer frame.”

In the increasingly prestigious Grouchy Club Podcast a month ago, Comedy Cafe Theatre owner Noel Faulkner said he was about to release a rap video called The Comfort Zone. And now he has.

“Why?” I asked him yesterday. “You are over 25 years old. Why are you doing it?”

“Why am I rapping? I just had something to say and I wanted to say it, but I had to do it in a character, otherwise it just didn’t work for me. Maybe cos I was an actor. It all started as a joke and then I got some good words out.”

“What was the joke?” I asked.

“Just me pretending to be streetwise. The group… we call ourselves A and I – Artificial Intelligence… or African and Irish… Jimmy James Jones is of African descent and I’m Irish.”

Noel Faulkner and Jimmy James Jones outside the Comedy Cafe and well out of The Comfort Zone

Noel Faulkner and Jimmy James Jones outside the Comedy Cafe Theatre in Shoreditch and well out of The Comfort Zone

“And,” I asked, “why did you have to say things?”

“Cos these are the things that are in my head,” Noel told me. “You gotta get your message out. I do rants on Wednesday nights at the Comedy Cafe, except I take out the comedy. I just tell the audience how fucked the system is and talk about fractional-reserve banking and shit like that and they just stare at me and then I tell them they’re a bunch of cunts because they didn’t pay to get in anyway, because Wednesday night is open mic night. So they just stare at me in disgust and think: Oh well, it’s warmer here than in our apartment, so we’ll stay.

“How,” I asked, “did you persuade Jimmy James Jones he should play second fiddle to an older man in a purple suit?”

“Well,” replied Noel, “I manage him. He is going to be one of the hottest comics in Britain: just watch this space.”

“It’s a really well directed promo,” I said.

Noel Faulkner at the Comedy Cafe yesterday

Noel Faulkner at the Comedy Cafe yesterday

“I had a very good cameraman and film  maker – Max McCabe – so we directed together.”

“What do you want to get out of it?” I asked.

“Ahm gonna get ma bitches,” said Noel. “Ahm gonna get ma hot tub, get cheaper crystal meth off the boys cos I’m cool in da hood.”

“Ah,” I said.

“And there’s another song to follow,” he continued, “called I’m Not on Drugs; I’m on Tourette’s”.

Noel has Tourette Syndrome.

I’m not on drugs. I’ve got Tourette’s
I’m a mover and a shaker. That’s as good as it gets

If you see me twitching on the dance floor
Don’t come up to me and ask me if you can score
The girls look at me and my dancing feet
They think he looks kinda crazy, but he’s kinda neat

I’m a mover and a shaker. That’s as good as it gets
I’m not on drugs. I’m on Tourette’s

Let’s twitch!

“You and Jimmy James Jones look visually good together,” I said.

“There’s a great TV show there, surely?” said Noel. “Jimmy and me. He’s the struggling young black comic. I’m the crazy fucking Irish manager. That’s a TV concept.”

“Called?” I asked.

“A and I,” said Noel.

You can see A and I – Noel Faulkner and Jimmy James Jones – singing Comfort Zone on Vimeo.

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Outspoken comedy club owner Noel Faulkner on Jongleurs, Yuppies, Jarvis Cocker and his new career as a rapper

Noel in Rivington Street, home to the Comedy Cafe

Noel Faulkner in Rivington Street, Shoreditch this week – home to his Comedy Cafe Theatre

Before I interrupted myself in yesterday’s blog, I was about to say that I had a chat over a meal with Noel Faulkner near his Comedy Cafe Theatre in Shoreditch. It becomes relevant, in a moment, that Noel is Irish, so bear this in mind.

“How is Shoreditch?” I asked him.

“More twats,” Noel told me. “More 5-star restaurants. How far can people go up their own asses? I don’t know. It’s not what it was 24 years ago when I started the Comedy Cafe.”

“What was it like then?”

“It was full of thieves and printers. One half stealing money; the other half printing money. It was all printing presses around here. I don’t know why. Before that, it was cabinet makers. I don’t know why.”

“So you are feeling pissed-off?” I said.

“No. I’m very happy.”

“You are???”

“I have three meals a day, my house is comfortable and it keeps going up £100,000 a week in value. I moved to Hackney 13 years ago because I liked the vibe and now all the Yuppies want to be in Hackney. I thought I could live in a neighbourhood where I wouldn’t see pompous assholes but now the only thing my neighbours talk about is the value of their property and how they’re doing an extension and ripping the whole house out.

“I told my neighbours: My house is worth more than yours.

“They said: Oh no no no. Ours has got a garage.

“I told them: Yes, but I don’t have any Irish people living next door to me.”

The successfully diversified yet slightly grumpy Noel Faulkner

The successfully diversified yet slightly grumpy Noel Faulkner

“Where did you live before Hackney?” I asked.

“I was sleeping above the Comedy Cafe with a gun that held blanks to keep the thieves out.”

“Seriously?”

“Yep. The police had a word: We know it’s not you, Noel, but somebody’s got a gun poppin’ off.

I blew my nose.

“What’s your blood group?” Noel asked me.

“O-Rhesus something,” I said. “A dead common one.”

“Stay off wheat,” advised Noel. “It’ll help your allergies.”

“I think it’s just a tiny bit of hay fever,” I said. “I think I got it in China.”

“You know what they say about dogs in China?” Noel asked. “A dog is not just for Christmas. If you’re lucky, there will still be some left over for Boxing Day.”

“So,” I asked, “at what point did you decide you didn’t care?”

“I never cared what people thought of me… If we can’t be racist, what can we be? The lovely thing about getting older is I really don’t give a fuck. Not one iota. I am thinking of writing my own blog.”

“Bastard,” I said.

“I am going to call it Angry Man On The Roof.”

“Why?”

Noel in his office last year

Noel in his Shoreditch office last year – a man who likes yachts

“I’ve always liked roofs because no-one can catch me there. As a kid, when there was snow, I would convince my mother I was sick and then I’d go up on top of the roof and make loads of snowballs and, when all the kids were getting off the bus, I would pelt them with snowballs.”

“And,” I said, “you’ve been pelting people with snowballs ever since.”

“Yep.”

“Why do you want to do a blog?”

“Because people are insisting I should get my wonderful calm persona out there like the Dalai Lama – just give people hope that there is peace on Earth and tell everybody who’s a cunt that they are a cunt, because nobody else seems to want to tell them. Have you heard Jarvis Cocker’s song Cunts Are Still Running The World?

“Yes,” I said. “Yes. It’s strangely gentle.”

It is on YouTube.

“Any new business plans?” I asked Noel.

“I’m taking on Jongleurs’ format for comedy,” he told me. “I’m going to open sixty clubs throughout Britain. Any cunt who drinks and pisses and shits can come into the club and make as much noise as they like. I’ll provide lots of work for lots of comics, but I’m not going to pay any of them. I think it’s a great business plan.

Noel this week, paying the bill for our meal

Noel this week, paying the bill for our meal

“If comics had any bottle, they would go on strike and say Nobody works for Jongleurs and, the next day, Jongleurs would pay every comic they owe money to. But each comic is thinking: Oh, I’ll keep my head down and I might get some more Christmas gigs off them. The comics are actually helping the dragon devour the babies.”

“But any real plans?” I asked.

“I’m working on a rap song.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously. We’re just putting the music down. It will be a video. It’s called The Comfort Zone.”

Noel started rapping:

Got me a pad I call a home
I got a big TV, Twitter on ma phone
I watch the president killin’ people with his drone
But it don’t bother me
Cos I’m in the Comfort Zone

“So you’re going to re-invent yourself as a rap artist?” I asked.

Noel started rapping another song:

Fukushima Fukushima I wonder why
There is that great big cloud in the sky
No fish in the ocean but look at the glow
Radiation sure gives you a great light show

“Are you going to perform on stage?” I asked.

Jimmy James Jones performs at the Comedy Cafe last night

Jimmy James Jones performing at the Comedy Cafe Theatre

“I’ll be the oldest Irish rapper. I’m going to do a video with me and comedian Jimmy James Jones on YouTube. I’m in my suit; he’s in his hip hop gear. He’ll push me out of the way; I’ll push him out of the way and then, in the last scene, he’s in my suit and hat and I’m in his gear and baseball hat.”

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