An everyday surreal conversation about a duck laying an egg or a big spacecraft

I sometimes run interviews in this blog. I often quote people direct. That is because (with their knowledge) I record their conversations on my iPhone. But I always ‘clean up’ what is said. I take out the ums and errs and ahs and sometimes re-order subjects so people speak in something approaching sentences and so the conversation progresses logically.

After school, I was offered a place to study Philosophy at Bristol University but instead, a year later, I did Communication Studies at what was then the Regent Street Polytechnic in London. The radio, TV and journalism course included psychology and sociology.

When I was there, one exercise we had to do was go into a room with two other people and record a conversation we had – any conversation – then transcribe it onto paper word-for-word with no changes. This was to show us the erratic and non-linear way people actually talk as opposed to the logical, linear way we think people speak in conversations.

What follows is a fairly random piece of conversation I recorded recently (with the people’s knowledge) while getting something for my blog. I have not edited what was said. There were three people involved, but I have not identified which person is saying what.

____________________________________________________

–  That’s a big one!

–  A large alien spacecraft just came out of my arse. Fucking hell!

–  Ducks have to learn how to lay eggs?

–  I’m not saying that! You could use that against me.

–  Laying an egg is surely the most natural thing in the world.

–  But not… But only if they’re living in an environment which is natural for them. If they’re living around humans… It’s like the same as like…

–  It’s like saying A woman doesn’t know how to have a baby. It just pops out.

–  But, if a woman grows up around lions, she’s not going to know how to have a baby, because she’s going to be brought up in a different… I think her body was just sorting itself out, because sometimes she would lay really weird, wonky eggs and sometimes eggs with no shell.

–  Well, it’s only then… The way you have to remember it is it’s only then – unless I got all my female physiognomy mixed up – It would only be them going through a monthly cycle. So they create the egg, don’t they…

–  But, if she’s just starting her monthly cycle, it’s going to be a bit touch-and-go, isn’t it… Her body just…

–  It’s a beautiful image, your duck walking along the road and Ooh, I got a bit of a sore tummy. Oh, I got a bit of a sore tummy. Oh oooh! Oooooh! Blimey, I’ve just… a big alien spacecraft,’s coming out of my arse! What the hell is that, man!

–  How big was the garden?

–  It was an acre. It was a big garden.

–  I want to get back to laying eggs. It just comes out, surely.

–  No. When they learn to sit down…

–  What do you mean No? It does.

–  No it doesn’t. Has to be fertilised…

–  They lay unfertilised eggs all the time, don’t they?

–  Well, precisely, yes. That’s what you’re saying, you know.

–  Well, she can’t decide I’m going to have a fertilised egg.

–  No, I’m not suggesting that. I’m…

–  It’s the same with anything. You just go from being to being an adult to doing all the things on your own. Babies have to be looked after until they learn to do things on their own.

–  I’m going mad. An elephant’s got feathers on the back.

–  One of those fake moustaches.

–  What happens when they don’t know how to lay the egg properly? What do they do?

–  They come out wonky, they come out…

–  In what way?

–  They come out with no shell, they come out with half a shell…

–  What’s wonky? An egg is an egg.

–  Like wonky.

–  In what way? An egg is an egg.

–  Irregular.

–  Like a kidney bean. Large…

–  How do you know they’re not laying kidney beans? An egg is an egg.

–  You’re taking it all too literally.

–  Yeah. It’s a woman’s monthly cycle. They’re going to do it whatever.

–  Right, are we going to go feed that cat?

How a comic’s Christmas baby was born rather late in Australia’s summer sun

I woke up this morning to about six inches of snow as far as the eye could see. Things are said to be worse in the Ukraine. Well, they are. People are dying from the cold.

Things are allegedly better in Australia.

I say ‘allegedly’ because I prefer the snow to the sun – probably a consequence of being partly brought-up on a hill in Aberdeen. There was a block of flats involved.

But I digress already.

I mentioned in passing in a blog a couple of days ago British comedian Eric, who has recently become a father in Australia.

A few people thought my blog was rather sketchy – “At least you could have mentioned the baby’s name,” someone said to me.

Eric is in Adelaide at the moment, but flies to Perth tomorrow to the Fringe World Festival, where he will tell tales of his past as a submariner.

Then he flies back to the Adelaide Fringe, 24 February to 18 March.

So the new baby will be well-travelled very early.

Eric met the new baby’s mum Helen when he was performing his show at the Adelaide Fringe back in 2010.

The baby was due on 18th December last year and the plan was to fly out from Britain to Australia in October, have the baby, then have a typical Aussie Christmas morning on the beach followed by a BBQ.

But, Eric told me this week in an e-mail from Oz:

…the baby had other plans and when we woke up on Christmas morning, she was still in residence in mummy’s tummy and didn’t show any signs of joining us any time soon. So we went to the beach as planned, with Slade’s Merry Christmas Everybody blasting out of everybody’s radio. It was the first time I had ever taken any notice of the line, “Are you waiting for the family to arrive?”

While we were at the beach we phoned the hospital, as there had been some water that wasn’t provided by the sea… and the midwife told us to go to the hospital.

 Although they let us out again, we had to go back first thing on Boxing Day (or Proclamation Day as they call it here).

So, at 7.00am, we packed our bags and set off.

As we got to the end of the drive we were flagged down by our elderly neighbour. I thought: Oh! How nice! She is waving us down to say Merry Christmas and wish us well for the delivery!

But, instead, she said: You’ve got to help me! I’ve got no electricity!

She was making Christmas dinner and it was going to be ruined if I couldn’t get the oven back on. So I spent the next few minutes sorting out her electricity supply.

It was something with apricots apparently…

As we set off again, the car radio was playing Johnny Mathis – When a Child is Born.

Twenty-six long hours later, Johnny’s prediction came true.

A water birth if you’re interested.

And she is the most gorgeous little baby girl. Well, according to everyone we meet anyway. Although I must admit I do agree with everyone. And I’m not biased.

We debated names for her… Well, I say we debated… Her mother told me what she was going to be called and I agreed. As I met Helen when she came to see my show, it is perhaps only right that the baby’s name should be meaningful.

So she is now called baby Erica.

Her poos are mustard colour

* * *

So tomorrow, rather worryingly, Eric, Helen and Erica are heading towards Perth where, by all accounts, British comedian Bob Slayer is proving the truth of his show’s title Bob Slayer Will Out-Drink Australia.

What happens in the coming week when there is a triple culture clash between Australia, Bob Slayer and baby Erica and family, I dread to think. Eric tells me:

I played cricket with Bob at the Comedians’ Cricket Match back in the UK last May (my blog about it is here) and we were under strict instructions to wear ‘whites’. The opposition laughed as Bob strode to the crease dressed from head to foot in black, then promptly stopped laughing as he hit their star bowler for six! That’s the thing with Bob: you never know what he is going to do, either onstage or off…

Stay tuned.