Medical update. Genetic testing, maybe “unexpected results” and Red Bull…

I was hospitalised for a week in May 2020 and – again for a week – in July 2021. On both occasions, my calcium level had suddenly sky-rocketed to a dangerous level which resulted in my kidney function plummeting to a very, very dangerously low level.

The only positive thing to come out of it was that the second hospitalisation resulted in a seven-day series of fairly dramatic blogs. I await offers for the TV sitcom or Netflix movie rights.

Both times when I was hospitalised, after a week of (I think) basically just saline drips, my calcium/kidney function levels returned to non-dangerous though still abnormal levels.

But the doctors had absolutely no idea why the levels had, without warning, suddenly gone mad in the first place. 

Subsequently, it was impossible to treat the problem because the cause was completely unknown.

Multiple scans, X-rays, blood tests and bunging radioactive material into my blood stream has failed to find any cause. But it happened twice. Without warning. I am taking no medication to stop it happening again nor to normalise my levels because, with an unknown cause to treat, there can be no treatment.

To add to the confusion, in February 2022, according to a blood test, without warning, my calcium level suddenly returned to pretty-much normal and my kidney function – although not 100% right – became reasonable, not dangerous and it seems to be stable. My kidney consultant said, at first, he thought he had been given the wrong patient’s results. He and my calcium consultant told me the cause of the suddenly-improved results were a total mystery to them.

The latest idea to try and find out what is going on is that I am going to be given a genetic blood test. Apparently this costs the NHS “a few thousand pounds”.

I seem to have a main kidney consultant and a second, associated, kidney consultant. In a video call yesterday, the latter told me:

“There are some genetic tests we want to do. You’ve been through every test in the book and no-one’s figured it out. It would be a useful thing to do. We’re just looking at a certain panel of genes.

“The thing about genetic tests,” he added, “is  they can sometimes throw up unexpected results or sometimes unwanted results. It’s unlikely in this case, because we’re not looking at everything; we’re only looking at things to do with calcium – the panel of genes that control calcium.

“But, even then, we have to warn you that there’s a possibility it could throw up unexpected results, OK? Theoretically that could have implications for family members.”

I am uncertain whether or not this means I could discover I am related to Adolf Hitler or that I am a member of a previously-unknown alien race.

“The results,” the doctor told me, “could take ages: it could take six months, something like that. It’s not going to be fast; and then we’ll take it from there. It’s going to be very exciting to try and find the results. You’re only the third patient I’m doing this on.”

I’m not sure whether I should be gratified or worried by that.

One thing no-one seems interested in is that I felt ‘light-headed’ – a sort of woozy, floating, uncertainly-balanced feeling inside my head – in the lead-up to my first hospitalisation in May 2020 and this continued until roughly New Year this year, 2022. 

In March 2021 – in fact, for a few months – I had occasional, very serious vertigo – having to hold on to the walls or anything static to avoid falling over while the world whizzed around me. This went away after a few months but the slightly unbalanced and unbalancing feeling inside my head continued until…

In around October 2022, on a whim, I started drinking a can of Red Bull in the morning. 

As soon as I started doing this, the wooziness in my head decreased then stopped and, since then, I drink a can of Red Bull every morning with breakfast. My balance is better; in fact, my balance is now fine.

I never drank any Red Bull between the lead-up to May 2020 and October 2022 (remember I was hospitalised again in July 2021). So the Red Bull could not have contributed to my problems but, bizarrely, it seems to have helped alleviate some (I guess side) effects. 

I think I have read that Red Bull – basically it’s caffeine and sugar – can be dangerous because it speeds up the heart. But, as my heart beats quite slowly – in the low 50bpm when resting – this might not be a bad thing.

The Edinburgh Fringe: where shows with no audience can get 4-star reviews

Multiple Red Bull usage – Not to be encouraged in Edinburgh

I arrived in Edinburgh for the Fringe on Monday morning at 7.55am and got into my rented flat at 3.15pm. Don’t ask. Just don’t ask.

I got very little sleep on the journey up, was mentally dead by the time I got into the flat and failed to rectify the matter with three Red Bulls. All they did was make me even sleepier. And the mental torpor did not abate yesterday, not even with – or possibly because of – three more Red Bulls.

I was already behind on six interesting blog chats which I had had last week and which I had been going to post in the days leading up to my arrival in Edinburgh.

For example…

Ivor feels a right tit; I have no caption shame.

I had a chat with long-time club organiser and comic Ivor Dembina about one of his three upcoming Edinburgh Fringe shows. (Yes, three this month.)

“On the last day before registration,” he told me, “an Edinburgh venue got in touch with me and said an act had pulled out so there was half a run free if I wanted it. So I said Yes I’ll fill it. I didn’t have a show, but they didn’t seem to mind.

“For the last two or three years, I’ve been running something I call a Comedy Drop-In – a fortnightly meeting point for anyone in comedy who just wants to get together and talk about what they’re doing and show some stuff. From complete newcomers who’ve never done a gig to seasoned club comics.”

“So it’s not like a six-week course?” I asked.

“That’s the thing,” said Ivor. “I don’t really set myself up as a teacher, more just a fund of information, as someone who’s been performing and running comedy on the circuit – fairly near the bottom of the food chain – for the best part of 30 years.”

“So that’s your show this year?” I asked.

“Sort of. I also noticed that, having done other courses and having been interviewed by the press, there is a fascination out there with the job of being a comedian. And, over the years, I’ve found myself being asked the same questions over and over again. So what I thought might be an idea for this year’s show would be me answering these questions in as interesting and entertaining and funny way as possible. When I started off, all I had was a title – I Should Have Listened to Ivor Dembina.

“One of the beauties of the idea was I could go on stage knowing I knew what I was talking about but not having to write a word. I’m also taking my show Old Jewish Jokes up to Edinburgh – the fourth year I’ve taken it up.”

“With new jokes?” I asked.

“No,” said Ivor. “The clue’s in the title. And I’m doing a third show this year – City Cafe: Late Nite & Free – a compilation show I’m compering.”

So Ivor Dembina is taking one of his shows – I Should Have Listened To Ivor Dembina – up to the Fringe by accident. And comedian Philip Simon is up here by accident too.

I accidentally met him on a train out of Elstree last week (we both live in Borehamwood).

Philip Simon with invisible Andy Zapp – on a Thameslink train

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“To an Equity Comedians’ Network meeting. We’re strengthening the industry through support of the union.”

“Oh yes?” I asked. “And what else have you been up to?”

“I got married last week.”

“To the woman you’ve been living with for two years?”

“It seemed easier.”

“You going up to the Fringe this year?”

“I’m doing a show with Aaron Levene: The GILF and The BuJew. But, in my case, The Guest and The BuJew. Aaron is really supposed to be performing it with Andy Zapp but, for the first ten days, Andy can’t be there.”

“What is on the flyers and posters?” I asked.

“My head on Andy Zapp’s body,” said Philip.

“With you Photoshopped in?” I asked.

“Yes,” said Philip. “With Andy Zapp’s everything, except his head. It’s even his wrist.”

Andy Zapp (left) and Philip Simon (right) with Aaron Levene thanks to the magic of Photoshop

“And, after that?” I asked.

“I’ll be in an Enterprise Car Rental commercial. I’m being a tourist. I get chased by a bull. They flew director Dawson Marshall Thurber over from America. He wrote and directed the movies Dodgeball and Central Intelligence.”

“Is the bull going to be added in on CGI?” I asked.

“No. It was real. We have already shot it.”

“You didn’t die?” I asked.

“I don’t think so.,” said Philip.

Italian Luca Cupani represents UK in Canada

I also had a chat with Italian comedian Luca Cupani who – in a double whammy of surreality – was about to go off to Canada to represent the UK at the Just For Laughs festival along with Japanese comedian Yuriko Kotani.

Unfortunately, I have taken so long not writing this blog that Luca is now back in the UK and his show – Luca Cupani: The Admin of Death and Other Confessions – starts tomorrow.

At the same comedy dementia show (yes it was) last week where I met Luca, I also had a chat with Steve Jameson aka excellent character act Sol Bernstein (who keeps reminding me I claim I don’t like character acts although I like his).

He remembered an Edinburgh Fringe gig which had been reviewed by Kate Copstick.

Steve Jameson as his character Sol Bernstein

“We knew Kate Copstick was coming,” he told me, “so we thought Ticket the place out! We gave away 30-40 tickets and nobody came on the night except Copstick and a guy from Mervyn Stutter’s show. So I did the show because I knew she wouldn’t come back. I called her a hooker, a lesbian; everything I say on stage to people in the audience. I called the poor guy from Mervyn Stutter a faggot – everything I could think of to insult him.”

At the end of the show, I got a standing ovation.

Copstick wrote in her review: He got a well-deserved standing ovation. She gave me 4 stars.

That epitomises the Edinburgh Fringe. Shows with no audience can get 4-star reviews if they are good. And some full-to-the-brim shows are shit.

In my opinion.

But what do I know?

Has Tesco got so big that it does not care about PR or charging one price?

There was a report on the Guardian website a couple of days ago about someone who was almost thrown out of a Tesco store for attempting to compare prices on the shelves. He had noticed a bizarre piece of pricing in which it was more expensive (per bottle) to buy Highland Spring water in 4-packs than in lesser quantities: the opposite of what a casual shopper would assume.

This is something I had noticed myself. There was a surreal period where, at my local Tesco, it was significantly cheaper to buy four individual cans of Red Bull than to buy a 4-pack of Red Bull – the opposite of what you would expect. No special offers were involved; this was the normal, everyday price.

In the case of the Guardian reporter, when he was seen on the Tesco security cameras to be standing by shelves writing down something on a piece of paper, the store’s deputy manager approached him and, when told he was “writing down prices”, responded:

“You’re not allowed to do that. It’s illegal… It’s illegal to write things down and you can’t take any photographs, either. If you want to check the prices, take the item to the till and pay for it there. The price will be on the receipt.”

The store manager told him the same thing.

I thought this might be a quirk. But, when I posted a link to the Guardian article on my Google+ account, someone responded:

“I got escorted from Tesco for taking a snap of price tag on my phone. The same thing – item packed in bulk was 100% more expensive than buying four separate items.”

Someone posted on the Guardian website:

I saw a splendid offer there the other day, some revolting looking snack, 20p each or 4 for a £1.00…

And someone else posted:

Recent gems include:
Fruit squash: £1.35 a bottle or 2 for £2.75
NCG soups: £1 or 2 for £3.00
Bread: £1 a loaf or 2 for £2.00.

There are two things here.

What on earth are Tesco doing with their pricing policy? Occasionally you see TV ads claiming Tesco prices are cheaper than their competitors; and they put prices online. But the company has no actual single price throughout the country – or even in the same neighbourhood. Smaller Tesco Metro stores already routinely charge more for items than larger Tesco stores.

I live in Borehamwood in Hertfordshire. The Tesco store there charges lower prices on everyday items than the Tesco Metro in Radlett, three miles away in the next small town.

Tesco has no uniform pricing. Although it buys in bulk at a set price, it does not sell at a set price and is taking different profit margins from customers in different areas and even at different stores within the same area.

Its TV ads, which quote specific prices for specific products, wrongly imply that there is a single standard price for all items at Tesco. There is not. You go into a Tesco store, you take pot luck on what you pay.

And what’s with this surreal leaping on anyone who dares to attempt to write down the prices in their stores?

Tesco has got so big it appears to have lost control of itself.