There is a job vacancy currently advertised on the Edinburgh Festival Jobs website.
It is headed: BEST JOB ON THE FRINGE – PA TO MISS BEHAVE
Last week, I mentioned in a blog that Miss Behave – who is compering the increasingly prestigious Malcolm Hardee Comedy Awards Show at the Free Festival in Edinburgh on 23rd August – had broken her heel in Ireland and doctors had told her she should put no weight on it for six weeks.
“I mean,” she said at the time, “it would have been tragic enough if it had been one of my 6 inch glitter heels, but it’s my actual heel!”
She fractured her heel in Dublin during a street performance, while dismounting. Like one does. She had been doing a handstand on the shoulders of two strapping gentlemen in the street. Like one does. It was exactly two years before – to the day – that she had been diagnosed with meningitis which had ruled her out of appearing at the 2011 Edinburgh Fringe – and which almost killed her.
So what happened at the Dublin street performance last week?
She told me this morning: “The pitch was uneven, so I landed with all my weight on the left heel. A breakdancer snapped his Achilles on the same spot about three hours before… He’s coming to Edinburgh so I’ve invited him to perform at Bob’s Bookshop.”
As well as performing under comedian/promoter Bob Slayer’s Heroes of Fringe banner in Edinburgh, Miss Behave is also co-running his new Bob’s Bookshop venue. Which begs the question: “If you’ve broken your heel and are not supposed to put any weight on it for six weeks, how are you going to get around within the venue… and, indeed, Edinburgh?”
“Within the venue,” Miss Behave tells me, “on crutches and I’ll sit on a stool/throne.”
“But you’re doing something called Miss Behave’s Game Show at Bob’s Bookshop,” I said. “It’s described as part game show, part variety show, part disco…Won’t that involve a lot of moving around?”
“Upper body only,” said Miss B. “ But I will work out some dirty dancing somehow. The doctors have said nothing about not lap dancing atop a be-sequined table and playing games master from a great height – so that is what I plan to do.”
The ad on Edinburgh Festival Jobs says:
We are looking for an enthusiastic, fit grafter to be Personal Assistant to the Queen of Cabaret and Guinness World Record breaking sword swallower Miss Behave. She thought she would have to cancel her Fringe once again… BUT local business Scottish Borders Brewery heard of her plight and stepped in to help out and save the day…
I know Scottish Borders Brewery are co-sponsors of Bob Slayer’s venue (because he never stops mentioning the fact) so “How did they step in?” I asked Bob.
“They are sorting out a rickshaw for Miss Behave,” he told me, “and there is money with the job – it is expenses… plus whatever the person is worth. And, as they are Scottish Borders Brewery, they may possibly supply a few pints of Foxy Blonde to Miss Behave and her PA to help numb the pain.”
And also to Bob, I suspect.
The job specifications for the Personal Assistant role say:
– You will be PA, runner, carer, dogsbody (with treats) etc
– You will assist Miss Behave in her role as co-host of Heroes @ Bob’s Bookshop (the newest and most exciting venue on the Fringe)
– You will also assist her set up her show The Miss Behave Gameshow
– You will help her get around by a mixture of rickshaw (our own pimped-up number), wheelchair and crutches…
So what are the qualifications for the ideal candidate?
The ad says:
– It would be handy if you are a good cyclist
– Enthusiasm and common sense is the main quality we are after
“Are you sure about that common sense bit?” I asked Bob Slayer.
“I didn’t think I would be allowed to put in ‘a good pair’ as a requirement,” he told me.
“Oh dear,” I said. “Does the job involve servicing Bob Slayer as well as Miss Behave?”
“Well,” said Bob, “Miss Behave was going to be my venue bitch and now it appears I am hers.”
“But does the person have to actually get involved in any parts of her stage act?” I asked. “The unwary might think holding or lowering swords into throats could be involved.”
“Possibly,” said Bob in a suspiciously non-committal way. “It will be a ‘learn a lot’ and extremely varied and fun job.”
“Can I apply?” I asked.
“No,” said Bob. “You’re overweight and you look like a bank manager.”