Tag Archives: Prince Harry

Uncensored: What two Brits thought while watching the Royal Wedding…

Yesterday, Britain’s Prince Harry married US actress Meghan Markle at Windsor Castle.

This is a genuine SMS text message exchange between two Brits who were watching the BBC’s live wedding coverage. One was watching on a TV set; the other had an iPad. There was a delay of about 40 seconds between pictures appearing on the iPad.


BRIT 1: 

The mother of the bride looks sweet. Classy outfit

BRIT 2: 

I was about to text about and use exactly the same word – sweet. What on earth must be going through the woman’s head?

BRIT 1:

I am now slightly worried for her feeling like needing the loo with the stress and excitement.

BRIT 2:

Good point! And she seems to be alone. You would think they would have given her someone to sit with.

BRIT 1:

Nah that would be a drag if you didn’t know them and they wanted to talk etc. She’s into yoga so should be OK.

BRIT 2:

Let’s hope she doesn’t fart.

BRIT 1:

Grace Kelly style?

BRIT 2:

Two of Harry’s ex-girlfriends are there… gulp. A pity his dad can’t be there! The mum has a black woman sitting next to her so maybe she DOES have a chum with her…

BRIT 1:

Not on my screen yet.

BRIT 2:

There’s been a couple of side shots. There’s a gap between them as they sit. Presumably to give the cameras a clear shot of mum. 

BRIT 1:

Oh.

BRIT 2:

In the vows, neither Harry nor Meghan has agreed to ‘obey’ the other.

BRIT 1:

Harry’s ears are very different from the wotsisname army affair guy

BRIT 2:

Ooh. You’re right. He has Charlie’s ears.

BRIT 1:

What was the bit in their vows where everyone laughed?

BRIT 2:

I don’t know. I didn’t understand the laugh bit.

BRIT 1:

You said sommat about not obeying. I’m making lunch.

BRIT 2:

They said they would love and cherish but neither said they would obey.

BRIT 1:

Solomon features a lot. FGS, now Martin Luther King.

BRIT 2:

God this Black Yank preacher is a bit OTT. Meghan loves him. Harry looks rightly bored. And her mum is looking bored. I like her mum. Haha Harry’s expression…

BRIT 1:

Yup a load of daggers in everyone’s head.

BRIT 2:

Camilla is hiding a titter with her hat and Kate is slightly smirking. 

BRIT 1:

Who is responsible for booking this preacher guy?

BRIT 2:

Meghan wanted him. I think Charlie is masking a smirk. I blame George III for this.

BRIT 1:

Are you sure it’s her idea? If so, first strike.

BRIT 2:

Fuck me. He’s got onto slavery now. Yup. She wanted him and an upcoming gospel choir. Prince Philip looks like he is thinking bad thoughts.

BRIT 1: The preacher is narrow minded. Let’s sacrifice him. I’m losing the will to live.

BRIT 2:

If Martin Luther King was like this, no wonder they shot him.

BRIT 1:

Just think of the meal after.

BRIT 2:

Harry must be reconsidering the marriage now. 

BRIT 1:

Hmmm…

BRIT 2:

Ah! One of the Fergie daughters was openly smirking. This preacher must surely be over-running. Jesus! On he goes! About love.

BRIT 1:

I am feeling hate.

BRIT 2:

Ha ha.

BRIT 1:

Solomon has been mentioned again. He must be winding up.

BRIT 2:

Take me to Syria.

BRIT 1:

Er no. This is a laugh.

BRIT 2:

Meghan is lapping it up.

BRIT 1:

OK. I’ve stopped laughing. Are you sure she’s not just acting about liking the preacher?

BRIT 2:

Naw. She wanted him. He’s gone mad now.

BRIT 1:

He’s mentioned the invention of fire. Next, the wheel? This could be even longer.

BRIT 2:

Where is an assassin when you need one?

BRIT 1:

Someone has got to cart him off. Men in white coats.

BRIT 2:

He paused and waited for applause at the end!! Now it’s the Gospel choir.

BRIT 1:

This rendition is too slow

BRIT 2:

Yes. Nothing special.

BRIT 1:

Haven’t we done this bit? They are getting married again.

BRIT 2:

Yes. I thought they had already got married. What was all that “I will” bit earlier where they were not going to obey each other? Maybe they are giving Harry the chance to change his mind after that awful preacher.

BRIT 1:

That preacher stuff really fucked up. 

BRIT 2:

The Yanks will be confused she is a Duchess not a Princess. Harry is very sweet. She’s on another planet.

BRIT 1:

She’s 36. Still time to realise different opinions.

BRIT 2:

Elton John has let himself go!

BRIT 1:

Your pictures are 40 seconds ahead of mine.

BRIT 2:

They have just got divorced.

BRIT 1:

Ha ha

BRIT 2:

Harry is running away down the aisle. Prince Philip is yelling racial obscenities. 

BRIT 1:

Now it’s like a Christmas type song.

BRIT 2:

Elton is having a heart attack.

BRIT 1:

Where is something more upbeat? It’s gone funereal.

BRIT 2:

Harry’s two ex-girlfriends are beating up Meghan. Charles is doing a Goons impression.

BRIT 1:

Has the preacher been burnt in a wicker man?

BRIT 2:

I like the way you think. They are going to have to suffer that preacher at the Reception. Now there is some decent black woman chaplain to the Queen. They could have had her instead of the Yank.

BRIT 1:

They should have jumped over a broom and stamped on a glass in a handkerchief. Yes woman chaplain much better.

BRIT 2:

There’s some Jewish bloke on now! What is that on his head?

BRIT 1:

Hello? He is Greek Orthodox!

BRIT 2:

Ah!!! That’s it. Confused the hell out of me. Where is the black preacher now? On his way to the Tower?

BRIT 1:

I like Christmas carols.

BRIT 2:

Yup, Awww. Prince Charles and Meghan’s mum smiled nicely at each other. Serena Williams appears to have  a yacht on her head. Do weddings always have a musical interlude?

BRIT 1:

Somehow I missed the “I now pronounce you man and wife” bit.

BRIT 2:

That was in the bit where they got married a second time. Remember it happened twice?

BRIT 1:

I was thinking I haven’t been to enough weddings to know. That preacher really addled it.

BRIT 2:

Posh Spice’s marriage is looking grim! On your screen now?

BRIT 1:

I’m missing screen by texting.

BRIT 2:

Harry and Meghan got married. Posh and Becks were looking grim-faced.

BRIT 1:

Ah.

BRIT 2:

This poor sod is cello-playing away and everyone is chatting through it.

BRIT 1:

Give her time to recover from crying at knowing she made a mistake with the preacher.

BRIT 2:

She lurved him.

BRIT 1:

I think this is the Young Musician of the Year on the cello.

BRIT 2:

Oh dear. Mum has been having a cry. At least the 2 year old bridesmaid didn’t cause chaos. Probably sedated!

BRIT 1:

No need to. It must be exhausting. The carriage procession won’t be interesting.

BRIT 2:

The Long Walk will look good. Kiss coming up!

BRIT 1:

Nah. I can return to jealousy of wealth. Wait to see how crazy she is. I had thought she was going to be more women’s lib.

BRIT 2:

I think she will wear the trousers.

BRIT 1:

Dress was a bit dull.

BRIT 2:

He has the benefit of a peaked cap to protect his eyes from the sun. She doesn’t. I wonder if she has to do that question test to become a British citizen. The one Brits can never answer correctly. Is Windsor a real medieval castle or some fake? It always looks too neat to be real.

BRIT 1

I like Prince Philip. He said he wants to come back as a deadly virus as too many people ruining planet. Might have mentioned that before. Nice weather for procession; nice for people who were waiting there. Horses aren’t used to being so close to crowd.

BRIT 2:

Presumably they have done something to avoid mass horse shitting in the streets of Windsor. Maybe corks in the royal horses’ bottoms. I am going to wander off now.

1 Comment

Filed under Royal Family, Weddings

Yesterday, I watched a pop video being recorded with a unicorn and a horned cow for an Edinburgh comedy show

Filming the energetic video yesterday in London

Filming Juliette’s energetic video in London yesterday

“Last time you blogged about me,” comedy performer Juliette Burton said last night, “it was about my mental health problems. I have hallucinated many a thing, but I don’t think I’ve hallucinated anything as enjoyable as today. All my time travelling and everything – This was much more fun today.”

I had just spent eleven hours at Tour De Force studios in London, watching Juliette record a pop video Dreamers (When I Grow Up) to promote her When I Grow Up show at the forthcoming Edinburgh Fringe.

She met video director Daniel Waterman of Carse & Waterman at the LOCO Kickstart Your Comedy Career course in January and, as I understand it, just enthused him.

Juliette is very big on enthusing people; Carse & Waterman are very big on CGI and animation.

“This is like a live-action cartoon,” I said to Daniel Waterman during the shoot yesterday. “You’ve got a seawoman, a unicorn and a cow of indeterminate sexuality dancing in what I think is a retro video game set.”

“I’m trying to make it as broad as possible,” said Daniel, who wore a horse’s head at one point, but no shoes.

“I’m not convinced Francis Ford Coppola directed The Godfather this way,” I told him. “And why no shoes?”

“So I can walk around on the green screen,” he told me.

“It’s blue,” I pointed out.

Daniel Waterman directs Junliette and a hermaphrodite cow

Daniel Waterman directs Juliette and a hermaphrodite cow

“Yes it is,” he agreed and blithely continued: “Doing what we normally do in CGI, it’s very easy to make everything look very clean and digital, but I wanted this video to be very physical and feel real. We do a lot of CGI and I wanted to merge the two together in this.”

“Fran Burgoyne, the girl playing the unicorn,” I said, “has been making occasional miaowing sounds all morning.”

“She thought she was going to be a cat,” Juliette explained, “but, when she arrived this morning, she found she had a unicorn costume.”

After the video shoot was completed, I asked Juliette what she felt.

“Being up at 4.00am this morning was quite a jolt to the system,” she said.

“Well you’re certainly getting ahead in publicising your Edinburgh show,” I said.

The downloadable Dreamers song

The downloadable Dreamers song is on iTunes & Amazon

“Yes, you can download the Dreamers song from Amazon and iTunes now,” said Juliette in full promotion mode. And, up to and including the Edinburgh Fringe, all the money we raise will be going to Children In Need.

“We’ve been told by a couple of people on Facebook who have played the song to their children when they were having tantrums that it has this mesmerising effect and calms the kids down – they just shut up and start smiling. So it sounds like it’s ideal for problem-plagued mothers having trouble with children going through the Terrible Twos. It might calm down people in pubs, too. You never know. It certainly makes me happy.

“We’ve been working on the music and on the video storyboard since January. Frankie Lowe from Castaway Audio Productions up in Edinburgh wrote the music and I did the lyrics, partly inspired by a poem I wrote when I was 12 years old.

“Before I wrote the proper lyrics, I had stand-in lyrics – We’re all pufflings, We’re all lovely pufflings… Pufflings are baby puffins and I learnt that from QI on TV. Eventually I turned it into We’re all dreamers. So let’s keep on dreaming

Dreamers (When I Grow Up) being shot in London yesterday

Dreamers (When I Grow Up) being shot amid a video game

“The whole vibe of the song is meant to be very much what the whole vibe of the stage show is about – which is about me trying to be all the things I wanted to be when I was a child – So, in the last few months, for the show, I’ve tried to be a ballerina, a baker, a princess, a pop star, an artist, a farmer and a Muppet. Today’s video shoot was for the pop star bit… and I will also try to be a pop star by performing this song at the T In The Park festival in Scotland in July. And I’m also going to be performing it at CC Blooms, one of Edinburgh’s premier gay bars, on 2nd June.”

“And the object of the song and the Edinburgh show?” I asked.

“It’s to encourage people to keep dreaming,” answered Juliette. “Because I think we need to keep on dreaming to stay young. I know I can be an idealist but it is such an amazing feeling when ideals are realised.”

The death of a dream in Juliette’s video

The death of a dream in Juliette’s pop video

“I was rather shocked,” I said, “to see the Muppet-like puppet prince die in the video today when you’re so in love with The Muppets.”

“I was shocked too,” said Juliette. “I didn’t realise the puppet was going to die and that was quite a bolt from the blue. I was quite heartbroken… I think you saw how dramatically it affected me.

“I had my heart broken today,” Juliette laughed. “Dreams have been made and dreams have been crushed… I thought I’d found my prince and he fell apart.”

“Talking of princes…” I said.

Juliette stalked Prince Harry this week

The Mall: Juliette stalked Prince Harry this week

“Ah, yes,” said Juliette. “On Thursday this week I was at the Royal Chelsea Flower Show in a bridal dress, trying to become a princess by meeting Prince Harry. I had an etiquette lesson with Diane Mather of Public Image Ltd.”

“Isn’t that the Sex Pistol Johnny Rotten’s outfit?” I asked.

“A different set of people,” Juliette reassured me. “I don’t know if they realise they’re also the name of a band. Diane Mather is very demure and beautiful and runs an arts festival and has asked to book me in May next year, which is very lovely.”

“But you did not find Prince Harry at the Chelsea Flower Show?” I asked.

“No,” admitted Juliette. “So then I went straight to Buckingham Palace in my bridal gown, but I was told by them to Please kindly go away. I asked them: Can I possibly get you on film saying that? and the Metropolitan Policeman on the gate said No, we’re not allowed to. Kindly please desist and leave.

“And you’re putting all these videos of you trying to realise your dreams online?”

Juliette is torn between Gonzo and Jimmy Carr

The Edinburgh Fringe show it is all publicising

“Yes. It has been a really hard few weeks – well, months, really – preparing all this for the When I Grow Up show in Edinburgh in August… The pop song, the princess adventures, ballerina, baker, farmer, artist… And more. And writing the show itself and trying to crowdfund the Edinburgh show and all the rest. It has taken its toll, badly, on me mentally. But I do see light at the end of the tunnel.

“This week has been really hard especially. I have been feeling very low and struggled to cope each day. As you know, this is related to mental health problems. But focusing on putting one foot in front of the other, being honest with friends and family and focusing on the positives as much as I can…We got to the end of the week… and we made it through the long day of filming… and I think it is going to look amazing.”

“Me too,” I said.

“Seeing it all come together like that,” said Juliette, “makes those moments where I want to hide in a ball crying on the floor all pale into insignificance. Nothing is more important than making this show the best it can be and days like the film shoot today remind me how much fun it can be.”

“So when is the music video that you shot today actually coming out?” I asked.

“The absolutely finished music video should be the first week in July,” said Juliette, “It will be available on YouTube in the middle of July. But we still have to shoot the very last scene in the video, which will be filmed in the middle of June.

“And tomorrow I am talking to Omari Carter, who choreographed the video, about a possible stunt at the Edinburgh Fringe this year.”

“Could it be a Malcolm Hardee Cunning Stunt Award possibility?” I asked.

“Could be,” said Juliette.

“My cup runneth over,” I said.

YOU CAN SEE THE COMPLETED VIDEO HERE:

Leave a comment

Filed under Comedy, Mental illness, Music, Television, video