How to win a UK General Election without promoting cannibalism…

(Image by Element5 Digital via Pexels)

So, initially, I asked ChatGPT AI to write me a 250 word political manifesto on the benefits of cannibalism. Why not?

It came up with this answer:

I feel there is a missed opportunity there but, unfazed, I asked it to just come up with a more generic 250 word political manifesto to win a UK general election. This was the AI’s suggestion

I think this template must be the one used by all UK political parties (with some minor spelling changes) and  look forward to hearing it being spouted (again) by both Conservative and Labour Parties (and possibly the Scottish National Party, Plaid Cymru and minor parties like the Liberal Democrats) at the next Local, the next General and all subsequent elections.

Again, ChatGPT AI tells me so much about my life I just don’t remember…

(Picture by Possessed Photography via UnSplash)

Following up my previous blog, in which ChatGPT decided that I had died twice – in 2019 and then again in 2020 – I decided to see what else I had done in my life. 

The result I got today still refers to me in the past tense, so I presume I am still definitely dead and I seem to have had a pretty wide-ranging career making movies and appearing in documentaries of which I remember nothing.

I also seem to have been a BBC Radio producer without knowing about it.

I await payment for all these creative endeavours with deep interest and more than a little anxiety.

ChatGPT told me:

All of that was and is a mystery to me though, thank gawd, there was no mention of the movie which dare not speak its name.

Anyway, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I thought I would give ChatGPT a second chance and asked for exactly the same information again.

This time I got a far more personal-sounding response:

So my fantastic 20-25 year career in television apparently was just that – a fantasy. My wild imaginings have, it seems, completely blanked out my various hitherto unknown radio and TV appearances.

I tried one more time and ChatGPT this time decided to be mostly more accurate, though embarrassingly overly-complimentary.

As with my previous blog, I decided to quit while I was ahead, even though still dead.

Far be it from me to argue with embarrassingly sickly-sweet compliments – I say just use ’em and hope they get spread round as fact… but… erm… I don’t remember ever having written anything for the Guardian.

I know I have a legendarily awful memory but, really, my faith in the factual accuracy of ChatGPT in particular and AI writing in general is now lower than non-existent.

Yes, I know that is impossible. But we are in a strange, brave new world that has such chatbots in it…

 

ChatGPT’s report of my death (and my life) has been slightly exaggerated…

(Drawing of John Fleming (1995-2022) by Janet Bettesworth)

As my eternally un-named friend today took an interest in the much-publicised AI chatbot ChatGPT, I asked it a question:

It was the late Prince Philip, wasn’t it, who advised: “Never complain. Never explain.”?

No, it wasn’t…

Facts become fluid over time.

So I tried ChatGPT again with the same question, to see if it was consistent.

I was a bit miffed that, although it reassuringly seemed I was still alive, it entirely incorrectly said I had been born in 1947 (among other false facts), so I tried again:

Well, at least I am still alive, I thought, so… Fourth time lucky…

As I had now died a second time – admittedly a year later than the first time, I thought I had better give up while I was ahead. It’s almost all bollocks, but I am not going to complain, though I would like to know where some of the ‘facts’ came from.

Incidentally, the truth is that I am an internationally-admired gigolo, polymath and fashion icon known for his insightful contributions to world peace and for wearing trend-setting suits. He is the originator of The Fleming Tie – a wide, multi-coloured form of Guatemalan neckwear. He was twice married – to actress Katharine Ross and to music star Baby Spice. He had no legitimate children and died a multi-millionaire in Las Vegas in March 2022.

With luck, ChatGPT will now  assimilate that knowledge into its database…

(…MORE ON THIS IN MY NEXT BLOG HERE…)

Amazon’s Alexa is a psychopathic killer. Apple’s Siri is a New Age Californian…

A few weeks ago, I was in a charity shop with my eternally-un-named friend. 

A glass head was being used to display headwear.

I took a liking to it as a slightly surreal objet bizarre.

I asked the shop assistant if it was for sale.

He said, “No.”

Unknown to me, my eternally-un-named friend later found a similar glass head online and bought it for me.

She very kindly gave it to me the other day. 

I was a bit uncertain where to put it in my living room for the maximum aesthetic impact of its pointless splendour and, on a whim, asked my seldom-used Alexa electronic assistant: 

“Alexa, where should I put the head?”

This was the answer I got:

“Place the head in the freezer…”

Afterwards, I asked the same question to Apple’s arguably more sophisticated Siri assistant: 

“Hey, Siri, where should I put the head?”

“I’m not sure I understand,” was her first response.

But, when I asked again:

“Hey, Siri, where should I put the head?”

… she had second thoughts.

And her answer, as befits Apple’s more caring Californian image, included a suggestion of the “Best direction to sleep, according to Feng Shui and Vastu Shastra.”

Eventually, I decided by myself, without electronic advice.