Ariane Sherine aka Ariane X: “Why I wrote an album for my daughter…”

Today, Ariane X – aka Ariane Sherine, writer of multiple books, newspaper & magazine columns and music – has released a pop album entitled Better.

Why for her daughter? Why Better? Why Ariane X?

Here, she explains in her own words…

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Pop stars don’t really write songs about their kids. I can think of a couple: Little Star by Madonna, Lullaby by Mel B… but, generally, they prefer to write about relatable topics like romantic love, heartbreak and feuds. Pretty much everyone will have experienced these things, but not everyone has a child.

For me, it was different though: my daughter Lily inspired my pop career.

On my 40th birthday, when she was nine, I was sitting by her bedside, looking at her tousled dark blonde curls as she slept, and I heard the line in my head: It’s a kaleidoscope of colour/I’m so grateful I’m your mother.

I immediately got up and wrote the song Kaleidoscope, about how she had made my bleak life so much better.

My daughter is quite amazing. She’s had to deal with a lot: I left her dad when she was 17 months old so, since then, she’s had to travel between two houses – his in the very North of London, mine in the very East, so two-hour journeys.

Her dad started a new family, which she found challenging. She also had to cope with seven house moves by the time she was 11, which she describes as her ‘house trauma’. And she developed hygiene OCD during Covid, washing her hands over and over.

And yet she’s kind and thoughtful and hilarious, bright and athletic and diligent, hardworking and compassionate and beautiful. She’s top of her class, has loads of friends and cares deeply about animals and the environment. Now nearly 13 years old, she’s a total force of nature and I’m so proud to be her mum.

The songs came to me almost fully-formed. As well as Kaleidoscope, there was Happy:

You could be a pop star

You could be a scientist

You could do anything

Why not make a big long list?

With its chorus:

All I want you to be is happy, is happy

All I want you to be is happy

And Tiny Girl:

I love you, tiny girl

You’re only four foot five

But you are by far

The best thing in my life

So innocent and sweet

So wholesome and so pure

Loving you completely’s 

What my life is for

That was written four years ago.

Since then, my daughter has shot up in height and is now five foot two!

But the album isn’t all sweetness and light. There are also songs about my traumatic childhood such as When I Was Your Age and hiding my mental health problems from Lily, such as Demons, Not Normal and Well, Baby.

Well, baby

You know that I’m not well, baby

You know I’ve been through hell and back

And I’m scorched charcoal black

Though my soul is the colour blue

Well, baby

I’d catch you if you fell, baby

I’m trying to be well for sure

‘Cause you’re all I adore

So I’m sticking around for you

I bought a home studio – just a computer, interface, keyboard and mic – and began laying down tracks in the Apple audio program Logic Pro X, which is why I’ve called myself Ariane X.

It all felt like such a natural process – probably because I have a music production degree, though I abandoned the music world half my life ago to become a writer, deeming the thought of becoming a pop star ‘unrealistic’.

But who cares if it’s unrealistic? Yes, I’m nearly 44 – an advanced age for a debut artist – but the tracks are beautiful: melodic electropop songs with heart and soul. They’re all about the overwhelming love I have for my daughter. And the wonderful thing is that, when I’m gone, she will be able to listen to them and hear how much I love her. 

Two weeks ago, she and I filmed the video for the first single from the album, Secret Asian…both wearing a kameez (long tunic), jutti (South Asian slippers) and Indian jewellery such as a maang tikka.

Despite being a professional actor and starring in a BFI-funded film last year, Lily was a little shy about doing Indian dance moves, but we both had great fun making the video.

My next three albums, which are already mostly written and recorded, are all about ex-boyfriends. But I’m glad that my debut album is about Lily. She’s by far the most important person in my world, and always will be, and I’m so pleased that my love for her is immortalised forever in song.

AI on new English language words – from RIZZ to REAL MAZDA via Persia

Earlier this month, my chum writer Ariane Sherine wrote a piece in the Metro newspaper which contained what she said was a “daft chat-up line”.

Her 12-year-old daughter told her “That’s the stupidest rizz I’ve ever heard!”

Ariane (like moi) had never heard the word before, but I told her “That is real mazda!”

I asked the Claude AI (a competitor to ChatGPT) what “rizz” meant. It replied:

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The slang term “rizz” has a few different meanings in modern usage:

• Rizz is sometimes used when complimenting someone’s outfit or look. For instance: “Those shoes are rizz bro!”
• Rizz can refer to having confidence, style, and attraction or magnetism towards the opposite sex. For example: “He’s got so much rizz with the ladies.”
• It can also mean being smooth, charismatic, and having swagger or game when interacting with someone you’re attracted to. As in: “He was spitting so much rizz last night talking to those girls.”
• In rap or hip hop lyrics, rizz is sometimes used to refer to flashy jewelry, especially diamonds. Like: “Check the rizz on my wrist.”
• Rizz can also just be used as a general term meaning something is really awesome or cool. As in: “Whoa, that new video game is rizz!”

So in summary, rizz is a slang term mainly used to refer to being charismatic, having swagger and confidence – especially when attracting romantic partners. It can also just mean something is really great or excellent. The term became popular in hip hop culture and now sees widespread use in modern slang.

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Yesterday, Ariane spotted and shared this online: 

Credit: @mrlovenstein

Very true.

So I asked Claude AI: “What is the latest trendy word on the street?” and got this reply:

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Trendy slang is always evolving, but here are some words and phrases that seem to be quite popular and contemporary “on the street” lately:

• Lit – Meaning something is exciting, cool or hyped up. For example, “That party last night was lit!”
• Bae – A term of endearment for one’s romantic partner or love interest. As in, “Come over later, bae.”
• Fleek – When something is perfectly done or on point. “Her makeup is on fleek today.”
• Clap back – To respond to criticism or insults. As in, “Don’t mess with her, she’ll totally clap back at you on social media.”
• Snatched – Another word for gorgeous or beautiful in reference to someone’s appearance. “Her outfit at the premiere had her looking snatched.”
• Extra – Over the top or excessive behavior. For example, “Why are you being so extra?”
• GOAT – Stands for Greatest Of All Time, used to refer to someone highly skilled or talented. “LeBron James is the GOAT of basketball.”
• Thirsty – Trying too hard to get something or someone’s attention. As in, “He needs to stop with the constant selfies, it’s thirsty.”
• Slay – To do really well at something. For instance, “You totally slayed that gymnastics routine!”

So in summary, those are some slang words that seem to be frequently used, especially among young people communicating informally. Language is always evolving, so I’m sure new trendy terms will continue to emerge and gain popularity!

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That is real mazda…

If anyone can make up and get a new word on the street, then I figured I should have a go. At first I thought of “That’s real sofa-bed” but that didn’t feel quite right. So I then thought of “real mazda”. I guess it came to mind as a synonym for “amazing”. 

I am going to tell everyone things are “real mazda” for a while and claim it is the latest buzzword on the street. I hope you will help me in this futile and vainglorious attempt.

Sassanid relief at Naqsh-e Rostam showing Ahura Mazda presenting the diadem of sovereignty to Ardashir I (Source: Derfash Kaviani, Wikipedia)

I looked up “mazda” in dictionaries to see if it means anything and it turns out it does – it means ‘light’ or ‘wisdom – and its origin comes from Ahura Mazda, a god of intelligence and wisdom, the one true god of Zoroastrianism.

Which is a bit of coincidence, as one of Ariane’s roots is Parsi Indian – the Parsis went to India from Persia around the 8th-10th centruries and they were Zoroastrians.

So I think – by happenstance and blind luck – the rejoinder “That’s real mazda” has a chance of sounding as if it means something. 

I asked Claude AI by typing in “That’s real mazda”. Claude AI obviously remembered I had been asking about slang and gave me this reply:

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I’m afraid I don’t understand the phrase “That’s real mazda” in this context. Mazda is an automotive company that makes cars, so I don’t see how it applies here as a slang term. Perhaps you were looking for a different word that sounds similar to “mazda”? Or maybe you intended a different meaning that I’m missing with this phrase. Could you please clarify what you meant by “That’s real mazda”? I’d be happy to try and make sense of the saying if you can provide some more context about how it was intended to be used. Let me know if you can expand on this at all!

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I can see AI developing. It could be double plus good mazda. Or not.

Yesterday, I was attacked in the street by a 12-year-old… Watching violence.

Yesterday, I was attacked in the street by a 12-year-old.

Writer Ariane Sherine’s highly-intelligent daughter was telling me how, in drama classes at school, she had been taught to (stage) fight. 

She demonstrated this by repeatedly punching me in the face (but stopping short of physical contact) and delivering flying kicks to my body (but stopping short of physical contact).

Each time I was saved from physical harm by about an inch or maybe two. But I was increasingly slightly worried she might miscalculate. I feared (slightly) for the potential physical impact. The odds, I felt, would shorten the longer she demonstrated.

Which reminded me of a blog I posted here twelve years ago about writing an autobiography.

My opinion was and is that people are interested in people not in facts.

People are primarily interested in people.

Which brings us back to Ariane’s daughter’s demonstration of her stage-fighting technique.

I read an analysis when I was at college of how people watch screen violence. The study was able to use cameras to see exactly at which point in the screen the subjects’s eyes were concentrating.

Their results were not what I would have thought in advance but made sense when I thought about it.

If, for example, on screen, someone shoots or punches a person in the stomach, the victim will double over as the bullet/fist hits. If they are punched on the chin, their head will jerk backwards or sideways with the force of the punch. 

So what does the audience look at?

The viewer does not look at the victim’s stomach as the bullet or punch hits. They look at the victim’s face. They do not watch the action; they watch the re-action.

When someone is punched on the chin, they do not look at the point of impact. They do not look at the chin. They look at the eyes and facial reaction of the victim. Of course they do. It seems obvious,

The point is that they watch the re-action not the action. 

They are not primarily concentrating on the act or the fact of the action. They concentrate on the emotional and physical reaction of the person. 

Because people are primarily interested in people’s emotions and emotional reactions, not isolated, cold facts.

That’s equally important in writing autobiographies (or thrillers) as it is in filming action or even comedy films.

‘Man (or woman or other) slips on a banana skin’ is only interesting in so far as it affects a person.

They are interested in re-actions more than actions.

People are interested in people not abstract facts, except insofar as they affect  people.

It’s all about people, people.

Do British doctors actually understand female anatomy…?

My opinion of the Britain’s National Health Service, from experience, is that, like all large bureaucracies, it is an utter, incompetent mess.

But my opinion of doctors and nurses working within the NHS is one of sky high admiration.

My opinion of the GP (General Practitioner) level of the local NHS, though, is somewhat lower. And this has not been raised by my chum Ariane Sherine‘s recent experience.

She shared this – jaw-dropping but totally true – on Twitter this week…

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(Ariane Sherine’s latest book is The How of Happy… The 51st way to be happy might be: “Don’t talk to your GP…”)

Four hats – drawn by 11-year-old Lily

The last blog posted here was a story written by multi-talented Lily, the 11-year-old daughter of writer-performer hyphenate Ariane Sherine.

Now here are four artworks by Lily…

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This one (below) is called ‘Bianca’ because it is white and blank…

This one is called ‘Hattie’ because… well, because it’s a hat…

This one is called ‘Delancey’ for random reasons I can’t remember…

And this one is called ‘Nova’ for fairly obvious reasons…

Ariane Sherine wants to live to 100 and write 100 books, starting with this one

Ariane Sherine has had a busy week. It’s her birthday.

And she released the first episode of her weekly podcast Love Sex Intelligence.

And she has published her first novel, Shitcom, about two male TV sitcom writers.

She knows that about which she writes. She has been a writer on BBC TV’s Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps and on My Family.

She claims Shitcom is her first book, although she has previously published The Atheist’s Guide to Christmas, Talk Yourself Better and How To Live To 100.

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A TV sitcom, a shitstorm and a switch…

JOHN: Why’s the new book called Shitcom?

ARIANE: It’s a novel about two comedy writers on a sitcom. One’s extremely successful and an arsehole. The other one is extremely unsuccessful but very nice… And they swap bodies.

JOHN: So it’s a cosy little comic romp…

ARIANE: No. It’s got racism, misogyny, homophobia, extreme swearing, graphic descriptions of violence and a short rape scene. The villain calls his mother a jizz-lapping old whore and calls his step-father a fisting spaffmonkey. He is obsessed with his penis because it’s only 2 inches long.

JOHN: You wrote it in 2004, when you were…

ARIANE: …a sitcom writer for BBC TV.

JOHN: So it’s all semi-autobiographical?

ARIANE: It’s ‘loosely based’ on my experiences. But all the characters are fictional.

JOHN: The plot is a body/identity swap story.

ARIANE: There IS a body swap and Neil – the nice guy – inhabits Andrew’s body and is able to get his sitcom idea commissioned, but he then realises fame and success are not all they’re cracked up to be.

Andrew is trapped in Neil’s body and there’s a hilarious/outrageous and disturbing turn of events which sees him end up homeless and having to have sex with a guy for money so that he can buy a gun.

JOHN: Why are fame and success not what they’re cracked up to be?

ARIANE: Because nobody treats you normally. It’s a very hyper-real/surreal type of existence. Most of the famous people I’ve met have been very nice, professional and reliable. They treat people really well. But I would not personally want to be famous. I don’t think it makes you any happier and you never know if people like you for you or just because you’re successful.

Ariane created and ran the Atheist Bus Campaign, seen here at its launch with Richard Dawkins (Photograph by Zoe Margolis)

JOHN: You famously created and ran the Atheist Bus Campaign and got shedloads of publicity.

ARIANE: I experienced the slightest distant glimmer of fame in 2009/2010 and it was quite disorientating. You don’t feel like yourself because people have this impression of you which doesn’t tally with your own impression of yourself. It’s confusing and I personally wouldn’t really want to be wildly famous.

JOHN: You wouldn’t want to be successful?

ARIANE: I think there’s a difference between having recognition for what you do and being a megastar where it’s so out-of-proportion that it’s ridiculous.

You really wouldn’t want Fred Bloggs accosting you when you’re trying to take the bins out – thrusting a camera in your face, demanding a selfie or an autograph.

JOHN: Alas poor Chris Whitty. You don’t want to be famous at all?

Ariane keeps her fingers in many pies, including podcasts

ARIANE: I wouldn’t mind a bit of recognition, but not being followed around by paparazzi wherever I go.

JOHN: Why did you not publish the novel in 2004 when you wrote it?

ARIANE: I had always wanted to write novels and I was putting the finishing touches to it in 2005 when I was violently assaulted by my then-boyfriend when I was pregnant with his baby. I had to have an abortion which I didn’t want to have. I cried every day for a year and I shelved the novel because I thought: I don’t want to focus on comedy! I’ve just been through hell! I don’t want to be focusing on jokes when my baby is dead.

JOHN: Wouldn’t focusing on comedy be cathartic in that situation?

ARIANE: I just didn’t feel I could write it successfully and, instead, I wrote a memoir of what had happened. That didn’t get published and I’m very glad it didn’t get published because it was so raw. It had a lot of scenes from my childhood and my dad was still alive and I think it would have got me into a massive mess.

So I sort-of lost interest in Shitcom. I shelved it and then a little later I started writing for the Guardian (until 2018) and I think I made some tweaks to Shitcom in 2008, but, as a Guardian columnist, I didn’t want to put out a book with an incredibly racist, sexist, homophobic male character and a ton of racial slurs in it. That felt like it might be a bit of a faux pas.

JOHN: And the Covid lockdown happened last year… That had an effect?

ARIANE: Yes. I was going to do a 100-date book tour for my last book How To Live To 100 but then the Covid lockdown came in, so the tour got shelved.

Shitcom was published after servicing Patreon subscribers

But I have a Patreon account and one of the subscriber tiers is my Writing Tier. 

Subscribers to that tier get a sample of my writing every week.

I came across Shitcom again and I thought I would send them that chapter by chapter. As I was reading it again, I realised it was hilarious and I loved it. So I thought Why don’t I just put it out rather have it languish on my hard drive?

I didn’t even try to get it traditionally published. Nobody in the publishing industry has seen it and, in this age of ‘cancellation culture’ I don’t think any publisher is going to be too keen on it.

JOHN: Have you thought about also publishing your ‘too raw’ memoir which you could now look back on objectively?

ARIANE: If I ever did write a memoir, it would probably be at the end of my career. I have so much left to do; and also my mum and brother are still alive and I wouldn’t want to hurt them with what’s in it. It might be something I do in 40 or 50 years.

I am aiming to write 100 books in my lifetime and I see Shitcom as the first book.

My next book – traditionally published by my publisher Hachette – is called Happier and will be my fourth traditionally-published book. 

Ariane also wants to write 100 books…

JOHN: You’ve said you consider Shitcom your first book but you have published three books already.

ARIANE: Well, they are all either co-writes or they contain a ton of contributions from other people. I think they are very enjoyable and I love my publishers, but I also want to put novels out – and, by self-publishing them, people can read them for just £1.99 each.

JOHN: So what’s your next solo book?

ARIANE: I’m Not In Love, another novel.

JOHN: Autobiograhical?

ARIANE: Partly. It’s about a girl who’s not in love with her boyfriend. He smells of banana. He does not eat or like bananas, but he has a strange banana smell.

JOHN: This bit is autobiographical?

ARIANE: Yes. It’s based on a boyfriend I had who is a comedian and writer and actually quite successful now. I don’t know if he still smells of banana, but I do feel sorry for his wife if he does. Also (in the book) he wears these terrible slogan T-shirts like While You Are Reading This, I Am Staring at Your Tits… And she falls in love with another man, but he’s engaged to be married and one of her unscrupulous, amoral friends says to her: Why don’t you just keep this guy that you’re engaged to around as insurance and date other guys behind his back?

So that’s what she does. But she is in her 30s and is aware that time is not on her side if she wants to have kids. So it’s a rom-com. 

It’s already written, the main character is really acerbic and funny and it will be out before the end of the year.

Shitcom is out now, though, for just £1.99. Buy it!

To hell with correct grammar. This is English. What’s right is what feels right.

My chum Ariane Sherine’s 9-year-old daughter is astonishingly creative. It is perhaps not surprising that she is very literate as her mother has been a columnist for multiple broadsheet newspapers and has written books while her father also writes for a prominent broadsheet newspaper.

But she is also very musically and visually talented – again, something in the genes.

Last week, she got a new painting set as an early 10th birthday present and did this:

Admittedly it is based on an image she saw online. But the original has different colour tones, the blossoms on the tree are different and there are no blossoms coming off the tree. The original is a daytime image. Hers is, she says, “around six o’clock in the evening”.

She recently asked people she knows to write honest essays about her for her 10th birthday next week. So she can know what people think of her.

Last night, her mother showed me some of the essay she has written about her daughter. It included the sentence: “I’m so pleased you’re following in the footsteps of your father and I and expressing yourself creatively.”

The following text exchange then followed:

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JOHN

I am always a bit vague on this but should it be “your father and me”?

‘You’ is subject; ‘following’ is verb; ‘footsteps’ = object?

But fuck knows how your father and I/me fits in. Clearly I need remedial education.

Genuinely flummoxed.

ARIANE

I have no idea but I asked a friend who didn’t know either – and he is a linguist! 😂

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ARIANE: Hi – need grammar help! I want to say that I’m pleased she’s following in my and her dad’s footsteps, but how do I word it? 

“I’m so pleased that you’re following in the footsteps of myself and your father”?

or “of your father and I”?

or “of your father and me”?

FRIEND: I’m struggling too. Whichever way you say it, it sounds stiff and unidiomatic, which indicates to me that it needs rephrasing. Is it possible to mention her father and you in the previous sentence and then say: “I’m so pleased that you’re following in our footsteps”? Sorry I can’t be more helpful.

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JOHN (to ARIANE)

The only person who’s going to know is your daughter and we can’t ask her!

Maybe “I’m so pleased that you’re expressing yourself creatively” – to disguise the fact that you, your friend and I are utterly illiterate!

ARIANE

Ha ha! Yes maybe 😂🤣

ME

It’s a sobering fact that you are a multi-titled broadsheet columnist with multiple books out… I was paid by Random House (the world’s biggest publisher) to edit a bestselling book… and your friend was a university lecturer possibly with academic publications to his name…

…and none of us knows how to write a basic English sentence!

ARIANE

Ha ha! To be fair, it’s a VERY difficult sentence! xxx

ME

Hah! Says you!

ARIANE

I don’t think my friend had stuff published in journals. His wife did, and she had a PhD. But he’s no slouch either! 

JOHN

My excuse is that I was mostly educated in Essex.

What’s your excuse?

I bet your daughter knows. She’s already got better vocabulary than we do.

ARIANE

She is amazing. 🥰 

JOHN

I’m off to bed now.

(LONG GAP)

JOHN

…talk about sleepless nights!

I was dozing off and “you’re following in the footsteps of your father and I” started swirling in my head!

The problem is it’s about the possession of the footsteps, not about subject-verb-object. So maybe both “I” AND “me” are wrong.

The actual thing being communicated is “you’re following in your father’s footsteps and in my footsteps”.

So I guess it should be “you’re following in the footsteps of your father and of mine”

But that and “you’re following in the footsteps of your father and mine” both sound ridiculous, so can’t sensibly be used.

I think it’s a balance between being grammatically correct and sounding right.

So it’s a case, as your friend said, of rephrasing … or of just tossing a coin about I and me.

ARIANE

Ha ha! Thanks for email, just read it. I think I‘ll stick with father and I… it’ll do.

JOHN

Yeah. Like I say. To hell with correct grammar. This is English. What’s right is what feels right.

I’m off to sleep now… I hope.

Unless I’m visited by the ghost of Dr Johnson.

ECCENTRIVIA – hairy-nosed wombats, almost dead parrots, Scots and tossers

My last blog ended with the mention of comedian and author Janey Godley’s meal of mince on toast being the subject of a prominent news article in Scotland’s Daily Record newspaper.

The next day, England’s/the UK’s Daily Star newspaper picked up the Daily Record story and it also turned out that, according to Google, ‘Janey Godley’ was the most-searched name for and by Scots in 2020.

Forget toast; she is on a roll.

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Fame though, like the hairy-nosed wombat, can be a fickle thing.

Hairy-nosed wombat (Photo by Eva Hejda, via Wikipedia)

Creative hyphenate Ariane Sherine’s 9-year old daughter decided that, for her upcoming birthday in April, she wanted to adopt (online) a hairy-nosed wombat. They are an endangered species and she reckons they look sweet.

I am not altogether sure I agree and I felt obliged to point out to her that there are only reckoned to be either 206 or 147 of the even-more-endangered kākāpō left in the world.

These are quirky, large, flightless, nocturnal parrots.

Ralph (Photo: New Zealand Department of Conservation)

As a result, for her still upcoming birthday, she has now persuaded her long-suffering mother to fork out an extra £55 for the adoption of a near-extinct non-Monty Python kākāpō parrot called Ralph.

I suggested that, as the Rule of Three is immutable (she is an expert Scrabble player) Ariane’s daughter should also adopt the two squirrels who live in my back garden and, as I cannot tell them apart, we should call both of them Cyril. 

So she has now informally and additionally adopted Cyrils the Squirrels.

We will skate over the fact that four creatures are now involved. 

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Andy Dunlop in happier days

On a more serious note, I received this sad missive from Andy Dunlop – President of the World Egg Throwing Federation:

“The World Egg Throwing Championships, hosted by Swaton Show, was looking forward to its return this year following last year’s lock down but the Committee fears our June 27th date may be unachievable due to the global pandemic. Movement to another date this year is impractical for wholly understandable reasons.”

I suggested that, when tennis becomes allowed, surely egg throwing must be allowed and that, if Scotch Eggs could be classified as a full meal to get round pub restrictions, maybe they are the future of egg-throwing too – though a bit dangerous for Russian Egg Roulette, which involves smashing an egg into your own forehead.

Andy Dunlop’s disappointing reply was: “Probably not.”

The moment the World Gravy Wrestling Champion failed in his World Russian Egg Roulette title bid in 2012

He added: “Our family continue to be fine as are now both vaccinated and it’s pretty much OK to be locked down when I can work from my conservatory, over-looking a couple of acres of garden and field disturbed only by bird song and the occasional baa from the sheep looking through my fence. 

“The ten girls in there since yesterday, placed by farmer Steven (son of Steve, father of Steven John) arrived after a scan revealed they are not in lamb and, unbeknown to them, are being fattened before their final trip. They will be replaced shortly by a clutch of successful mothers and their new joyous off spring.”

It took me a moment to realise all this referred to sheep.

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Shortly after that message arrived from the barren outlands north of Watford, I received this photo from comedy uber-fan Sandra Smith on England’s south coast:

I had always assumed the locals in Brighton were fairly sophisticated men and women of the world (other genders are available). But I am prepared to reconsider this opinion…

The oddity of no sex north of London

This morning my chum, writer and songstress Ariane Sherine, Tweeted about the oddity of London postcodes. 

There are SW (south west) postcodes, SE (south east), postcodes, NW (north west) ones but no NE one for north east London. That is because NE is the postcode for Newcastle.

Likewise, there are N, E and W London postcodes (north, east and west) but no S postcode, because that is used for Sheffield.

Another quirk, designed to confuse the unwary, is that the numbering of London postcodes is alphabetical, not geographical. So a postcode area 3 is not necessarily next to 2 and 4…

However, I am more interested in sex.

So, we have or had Middlesex (the central area), Wessex (ie West Sex), Sussex (South Sex), Essex (East Sex) but no North Sex, presumably because the people of Nosex eventually died out.

Apparently, in this context, ‘sex’ turns out to be an abbreviation and corruption of ‘Saxon’, which is a disappointment.

But life is full of disappointments.

I am going to have breakfast now.

A 9-year-old reviews the new UK movie of pantomime Jack and the Beanstalk

Last night, I saw the Press Screening of Jack and the Beanstalk – former Blue Peter presenter Peter Duncan’s film of the traditional British pantomime.

It goes on general release today at Everyman cinemas in the UK and, on 11th December, at Showcase’s UK cinemas.

It is also streaming online at www.pantoonline.co.uk until 10th January 2021. Profits from the Panto Online streaming will be supporting six charities.

Peter Duncan introduces last night’s screening

With the UK in COVID Lockdown and most live stage shows cancelled, Peter Duncan – who produces stage pantos and whose parents were also panto producers – rounded up 35 showbiz chums/creatives and filmed a traditional jokey, musical, dancing, colourful version of Jack and the Beanstalk in two large back gardens in SW London. He built the sets, sourced the costumes, wrote the script, created the singalong songs and produced/co-directed the whole shenanigans.

The movie is being screened in 55 cinemas across the UK, billed as “a planet-saving pantomime packed with topical references, songs, laughter and great special effects for all the family.”

I saw it last night with author/journalist/musical performer Ariane Sherine’s 9-year-old daughter who had seen three stage pantomimes before, some of which, she felt, diverged too much from the original storylines.

Below is her totally uncensored review of the movie. Throughout the screening, she wore a woolly pink hat with a pom-pom on the top.

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John asked me if it was better to see the film wearing a woolly bobble hat or not wearing a woolly bobble hat. I think it IS better to have a woolly hat or a hood on or something because then you have something around you. It doesn’t need to be a woolly hat. It can be a long hat with bits at the side  It can even just be hair or a scarf. It makes you feel engaged; it makes you feel like you’re in it, like you’re part of it (the film). You think about it more and I think it’s really good. 

I really liked the bits in the film about Climate Change and the Lockdown and I especially liked the bit about Donald Trump – when the chair said: “The orange man won’t leave the White House.”

It was really fun but I would like the end credits to have had different music because I feel like that music is not very cheery. I would prefer it not to be so spooky and to be more cheery. It didn’t really match the film. At the end it felt a bit creepy; it didn’t feel so jolly.

The music was good generally, though. I liked it. It was jolly. And I liked most of the lyrics. I liked the lyrics at the start about Lockdown and Climate Change and the bits with the signs – the placards. That made it feel a lot like a live pantomime.

They included a lot of bits where the (cinema) audience could join in – Oh no he didn’t! Behind you! – that kind of stuff.

The acting was good and it seemed like the non-main characters did more of the… (stagey pantomime acting) like it wasn’t real. I liked the Dame. I didn’t realise (until afterwards) that she was played by Peter Duncan.

Considering that it was shot in a real back garden, they made it seem quite a bit like a big film with the tree as the beanstalk. Before the screening, I had been wondering how they would do the beanstalk. I had thought they might paint the tree green.

From some angles, looking at it a certain way, with the vines around it, they did make it quite a bit like you would imagine it. 

I had been wondering how similar it would be to the original Jack and The Beanstalk story. Some of the pantos I’ve seen changed the plots a bit. I don’t mind that but this one was quite a lot like the actual Jack and the Beanstalk you think of.

There was a bit where they didn’t bring the cow over the wall (when they were escaping from the Giant). They left the cow behind. I didn’t understand that. There was that kind of wolf-dog-thing chasing them and he was right there with the cow. But they left the cow behind. I didn’t understand that bit at all.

But it’s fun to watch, fun joining in and all that stuff. It would be suitable for children maybe 5 to 10 years old. It’s fun to watch. I would watch it again. Not a lot of times, but I would watch it again a few times and with my younger sister,

I do feel some of the characters in the film were quite selfish. The girl was given a wish and she wanted to drive cars. Why couldn’t they wish for World Peace or the end of Climate Change? They were so annoyed about it before (at the start of the film) but now they just want to drive cars. They did a big campaign about Climate Change at the start (with all the placards) but, after that, now it’s “I want to drive!”

And, just after she’d told her dad: “Oh no, we can’t dump plastic in the sea… That’s bad for pollution!” she says she wants to be a driver! And even for the other ones, I felt they were quite selfish. Why couldn’t they wish for World Peace or even for them to bring a good thing to the world or something like that. Even to end Lockdown, to end hunger, to end poverty. At least to end Lockdown. Why didn’t they choose one of those? 

But I guess they couldn’t have wished for that, because it would have meant their wish didn’t come true, because nothing’s happened.

My own wish would be for the Earth to be big enough to sustain humans – to always have enough food and water and for the climate to be OK. For the Earth to hold an infinite amount of humans and for humans to live forever.